Heart and Mind as One

It seems that life is only a big mess of emotions swirling around in the whirlpool of the human experience. Our poor little brains try so hard to make sense of it all, and in the midst of trying to compartmentalize and structure the onslaught of our emotions, the emotion of frustration or guilt erupts into the unending swirl. Pascal said: "the heart has reasons where reason knows nothing." What would happen if we just let our emotions swirl and try to stop understanding them all? I think we would be swallowed up by the whirlpool and drown. Some try to suppress emotions - that doesn't work, they're still there and as a living entity they are crying to be heard - to indeed be understood by our shallow little brains. They will make themselves known in other ways...anxiety, disease...they will certainly find some way of expression through our body or mind because they are dying to be known. Our little brains cry out that they have too much to think about without including them...but our heart cries out..."Please try to understand me, please find a way to let me express myself. I am real, I am beautiful, and I am deep. I am indeed mostly abstract, but I need to be known. Please don't be lazy brain. Stop being pompous and thinking that you are better than me-we were made to work together. I learn from you, and if you open up to me, I can teach you so much. Life is more than knowing how to control, how to conceptualize. I can show you happiness, passion, and yes pain. But if we work together, we can get through anything. We can be teachers to others by sharing what we have learned from each other. Please please work with me to make this a reality. We are both incredible separately, but together we can create the most beautiful story this life has ever known.

Embracing Flaws

   I watched Wild with a friend today. I watched it because my friend wanted to watch it. I did not have any real interest in it. It's based on a book written by a woman who backpacked the Pacific Crest Trail after getting divorced and wanted to be alone to figure herself out. Her mother had died, she had an abusive father, escaped life by having sex and doing drugs. Then she backpacked the PCT by herself. She was finally forced to look all of her faults, everything that she refused to see and deal with during her regular life. The movie affected me in ways I was not expecting. I am so excited to see society embracing and popularizing people's stories that are not perfect. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one that screws up.
   I feel like so many of us keep striving to be perfect, and are horrified when we fail...again and again. But guess what? We hear this all of the time but never listen: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Ah, you feel better? Let it sink in...really feel what it means. You have no one to compare yourself to, you have no one to tell you (whether overtly, covertly, or you just making it up) that you are doing worse than they are because no one is perfect. We all screw up. We all have baggage that we don't deal with that affects our thoughts and behaviors. The memories that scare us, that we feel control us, our bad choices, what others have done to us...that's all they are...memories. And yet, they can be powerful enough to destroy us. They are also powerful enough to make us thrive. We spend way too much time thinking about what hinders us, and not enough time on our ability to overcome. We CAN grow, heal, love, BE. We have all of the tools to do this within us, and outside of us. Sometimes we are just too scared to access them, or make ourselves believe they do not exist. I believe God puts many resources within our reach. We just have to take the step to accept as well as embrace that we are flawed, and bathe in the fact that redemption happens every single moment. I feel like after watching that movie, I have taken a step to sigh and feel peace with the fact that I am flawed. I am accepting another piece of myself that I have demonized unnecessarily. Doing that makes me see the world differently as well as see myself differently. I already feel less judgmental, and less judged. I also feel more ready to really look at my demons in the face and tell them to get the hell out of my life (pun totally intended). I feel more ready to give myself a little grace when I mess up, and to offer grace when others mess up. I feel all of this without feeling any desire to give up. I will never be perfect, but that's not my goal anymore. My goal is to keep learning, to keep growing, to keep striving toward a better me. Perfection is something we will never achieve, but a better self? That is vague enough that even the smallest change, or growth can achieve such a goal. I want to strive to be a better me, listen to others while they strive to be better thems, and only offer advise when they ask. We are each on completely different journeys, and thank goodness we are all flawed because now we all have something in common.

Living Alone

   As most of you know, I am going through a divorce. You may have noticed that I have not been posting much recently, and mainly it is because I have not felt inspired to post anything. Recently, however, I have come to terms with the fact that I am alone. I am sad, I am grieving, I am bored, and I am most importantly...learning.
   I have never lived completely alone before. I grew up as a twin. We shared a room all of our childhood lives. I then moved into a dorm, with a roommate. Then I kind of house hopped for a while, but I was never completely alone. Therefore, this is a completely new experience for me.
   At first, it was invigorating. I moved into my apartment in June, and I felt like I could do anything! Be anyone! Achieve my dreams! This faded as summer turned into fall, and my heart reminded me that I had indeed lost something substantial. I started to grieve. I did not eat very much, I hardly slept, and I felt lonely. Incredibly lonely. I missed being held. I missed having someone to talk to about my problems and about my life journey. I became depressed. Then, I called my counselor. She has helped me move through the grieving process and help me figure out why I left, and how I can do better in the future. But, with all of that, I still live alone...and I still on occasion feel lonely, depressed, anxious, scared of the future, and most importantly....incredibly bored.
   So, what do I do now that I live alone? Sometimes I giggle at how freeing my boredom is.  I don't have kids. I don't have someone to constantly compare schedules with to see what we are going to do next. This is completely new to me - my unbelievably free schedule that is. I have never had kids, nor do I wish to have any. Therefore, I have been trying out a few things to fill up that time. Of course, my first go to is a book. However, if I am not completely into a book, it is goodbye time suck, and hello boredom. I decided to try something new. I went to the movies by myself for the first time ever and bought myself a popcorn and Reese's pieces and had a lovely time. So lovely, I ended up watching the same movie three times. (Maleficent was the movie, and it took me three times to figure out how to pronounce it correctly). I was at first uncomfortable with the idea of going anywhere alone, but I hung out with some courage then took that step, and it was great. Church has been another issue. When I got divorced, I didn't think about the repercussions of having to divorce the church too. But alas, I am now again churchless, and I have a bit of post traumatic stress about finding a new one. The last one I went to was tumultuous because many families left when my then wife and I chose to worship there, which was hard for me. I'm tired of hiding my being a lesbian, but I could pretend to just be straight, or not mention that I am a lesbian. But I want to be known entirely. I want to be me. I want to be a gay person who worships at a church. Preferably Methodist, since that is my background, but I won't pretend I am traditional in my Christian beliefs. It's always evolving, which is what we are supposed to do: grow, change, exist, share, love, accept, and so on. So, the church finding is on hold.

   Another boredom evader, as well as a little hug to myself I like to do is engage in, is nostalgia. I put my new Christmas Tree up in the middle of November. It was wonderful and very aesthetically pleasing. You better believe I will keep that tree up until Spring. Another nostalgia hug I give myself is to play Pokemon. My Mema gave me my first game boy and Pokemon game when I was in junior high. I loved the concept of the game. I still love it now. I love that the character I play gets to "befriend" these Pokemon, and help them grow by engaging in battles with other "trainers." They are like little pets that you get to travel around with and save the Pokeworld from the antagonistic group who always seems to have the right idea about how the world should work, but goes about it in a destructive way. Me, the trainer, along with other protagonists in the game, get to help these people realize their mistakes, then make the Pokeworld a better place. There is also a thrill of being able to collect gym badges by being able to know my pokemon and their pokemoves and strategically beating the gym leader's pokemon depending on their "type" (fire beats grass, water beats fire, and so on). Sigh, it's wonderful.
   That's really about all I have thought of so far. Being alone leaves a lot of room to think, but also a lot of room to explore. I'm still working on the courage to explore, and finding new ways to do that. But I won't give up. I have learned so much about myself and about the world in my silence, solitude, and boredom evasion. Who knows what I'll find next. All I know is that even though I can't see the path before me, I have faith that it still exists. I just have to keep exploring.