As Advent comes ever closer...I find my heart longing once again for community, and a safe place to celebrate my favorite liturgical season of the year. Advent was something I always looked forward to even as a child in the Methodist church I grew up in. I loved listening to each Christmas Story in the Bible and watching each candle being lit. I find myself yearning so strongly for a place to feel safe, to feel accepted, to feel support and offer it in return to my peers. I miss church so much, but still...I am constantly afraid. I have been invited to several churches, and my friends, this means more to me than you could know. However, the reality of my situation is that no matter where I go here in this beautiful state I call home, there will be some who I will make uncomfortable merely because of my presence. The last church I went to, with the support of my former wife and her family, still haunts me. Six families left because I transferred my membership from the Methodist Church I grew up in. Thinking back on that experience, I remember that there were some who tried to make me more comfortable, and some who were uncomfortable but still tried to reach out and accept me. Maybe I just need to have patience and courage with others who do not accept me at first...just as they need compassion and patience with themselves as well as me, as they acclimate to my presence. Friends...if you pray, please pray that I find courage again to step out in faith to find a church community. Pray that I can overcome my grief, anger, and fear that people won't accept me, and just be thankful there are some that do love me just the way I am.
Sunday, November 15, 2015
Saturday, October 17, 2015
"Fear Leads to Anger, Anger to Hate, Hate to Suffering..." -Yoda
"Fear Leads to Anger, Anger to Hate, Hate to Suffering..."-Yoda
These are wise words from the most famous Jedi Master. Oh how we could all learn some humility and gain a mutual wisdom from his words. We set ourselves on opposite sides of the bridge of love and our fear of each other, whatever opposite our feeble minds may create, builds a barrier of animosity. If only we could open our minds...clear them as the Jedi suggests...we could exist in harmony together. We could allow the light side of the force to emanate a passageway into the darkness that is ultimately benign. Benign because ultimately, no matter our background, our upbringing, our biology, our nature, our nurture; we ALL deal with similar life choices, consequences, tasks, rites of passage, etc. If we could only open our eyes, look past our fear, our anger, our hate; we would see a mutual understanding of our journey as human beings: to learn, to grow, to choose, to fail, to succeed, to be alone, to love, to exist - in all that entails, and we would build each other up, and not continue to beat each other down. May we be mindful, may we be patient, may we be ever intentional to follow Yoda's insight so that we can evade the suffering of the dark force, no matter how alluring it is in the present moment.
These are wise words from the most famous Jedi Master. Oh how we could all learn some humility and gain a mutual wisdom from his words. We set ourselves on opposite sides of the bridge of love and our fear of each other, whatever opposite our feeble minds may create, builds a barrier of animosity. If only we could open our minds...clear them as the Jedi suggests...we could exist in harmony together. We could allow the light side of the force to emanate a passageway into the darkness that is ultimately benign. Benign because ultimately, no matter our background, our upbringing, our biology, our nature, our nurture; we ALL deal with similar life choices, consequences, tasks, rites of passage, etc. If we could only open our eyes, look past our fear, our anger, our hate; we would see a mutual understanding of our journey as human beings: to learn, to grow, to choose, to fail, to succeed, to be alone, to love, to exist - in all that entails, and we would build each other up, and not continue to beat each other down. May we be mindful, may we be patient, may we be ever intentional to follow Yoda's insight so that we can evade the suffering of the dark force, no matter how alluring it is in the present moment.
Monday, September 7, 2015
I Am Not "That Poor Sinner"
"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in the Lord." -Psalm 34:8
Oh how I yearn for refuge. How I yearn to stop hearing the voices in my head scream "Sinner!" Not only am I a lesbian to them, no, I am a once married lesbian and now divorced lesbian. "Sinner!" Do they call me this to my face? Some have, wrapped in a pretty package of pity and piety. Handing me perfumed verses that turn sour as soon as they reach my tired soul. Some have even tried to fight for me, that poor sinner, by saying to others that I am the prostitute Jesus spared from god fearing people by daring the one who had not sinned to cast the first stone. Some have tried to argue that everyone is a sinner, so why can't I use this as an argument to justify why I should be allowed to go to church? I've spent most of my adult life picturing myself as the beggar asking Christians to please PLEASE let me worship with them. Please let me play music again, sing again with my brothers and sisters. Let me learn alongside them about God, love, the universe, the great why's and the mystery surrounding Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In my search for a church family, I have found that if I am honest about my life and my sexuality, I am unintentionally given the power to wreck a church, to split it's members, and send some out the door. Please believe me when I tell you, I DO NOT want this power. They CHOOSE to leave because they feel they cannot worship alongside something so utterly sinful. I just want to be in a community again, to be comforted, encouraged, asked how my heart is. I have also found that pastors still keep what I have referred to as "the sin list" and yes, I am still on it.
I will tell you now...I am tired of it. Tired of this cursed list. I grew so weary of beating myself daily for not being able to destroy this part of me...that I embraced my sexual orientation. I saw that in trying to kill it, I was trying to kill a part of myself that was able to love, to give, to receive, to exist. I cannot separate myself from this part of me just as heterosexual people are unable to reject the ability to, and the honor of loving their wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends. They get to love him or her openly, proudly, loudly, happily. If I or my LGBT brothers and sisters do this, we are hushed, we are scoffed at for throwing our gayness everywhere, for hating Christians. Displaying our sin is wicked and gross just because it is different.
Am I a sinner? Certainly, everyone is. But it should not define me or anyone. Furthermore, I refuse to tolerate people calling my homosexuality a sin and using it as an excuse to feel they have the need to save me, to bring me back to God, or to shun me. Oh, how I yearn for refuge. Oh God, even saying the name I was taught to call this Being brings me peace and comfort. Just sitting and saying God...more like a question...like a searching, grasping, trying to test if God is listening. Then my heart, my soul, the God inside me tells me that indeed it is so. I am listened to and cared for. I am loved solely because I exist and there is nothing NOTHING that can separate me from my strong, loving, beautiful Creator. I am so tired of listening to lies that I am not good enough to go to church, I am not good enough to keep company with my Christian friends, that my homosexuality is a sin, and that I am not good enough to ever serve God in any capacity. Most of these lies solely float through my mind, but a few have crossed into the physical world via speech or written word and punched my battered soul right in the stomach to leave it heaving for want of air. But still, I press on. Thankfully, not always alone.
I am blessed to have friends who cheer me on as I search for a community. I am blessed beyond measure by some who have loved me through every piece of my crazy beautiful life. They don't see me as "that poor sinner" but treat me as their sister in Christ, their friend, their equal. One recently made the comment she thinks that it is admirable that even though I face so many obstacles, I keep trying to find a church and a community because it is so important. Fancy that, not a beggar, but a heroine pressing on to find what my heart desires: God, a community, and an earthly home to worship God with my community. So I will press on. When I grow weary, when I feel so lonely it hurts...I will find my refuge in God.
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 17,18
Oh how I yearn for refuge. How I yearn to stop hearing the voices in my head scream "Sinner!" Not only am I a lesbian to them, no, I am a once married lesbian and now divorced lesbian. "Sinner!" Do they call me this to my face? Some have, wrapped in a pretty package of pity and piety. Handing me perfumed verses that turn sour as soon as they reach my tired soul. Some have even tried to fight for me, that poor sinner, by saying to others that I am the prostitute Jesus spared from god fearing people by daring the one who had not sinned to cast the first stone. Some have tried to argue that everyone is a sinner, so why can't I use this as an argument to justify why I should be allowed to go to church? I've spent most of my adult life picturing myself as the beggar asking Christians to please PLEASE let me worship with them. Please let me play music again, sing again with my brothers and sisters. Let me learn alongside them about God, love, the universe, the great why's and the mystery surrounding Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In my search for a church family, I have found that if I am honest about my life and my sexuality, I am unintentionally given the power to wreck a church, to split it's members, and send some out the door. Please believe me when I tell you, I DO NOT want this power. They CHOOSE to leave because they feel they cannot worship alongside something so utterly sinful. I just want to be in a community again, to be comforted, encouraged, asked how my heart is. I have also found that pastors still keep what I have referred to as "the sin list" and yes, I am still on it.
I will tell you now...I am tired of it. Tired of this cursed list. I grew so weary of beating myself daily for not being able to destroy this part of me...that I embraced my sexual orientation. I saw that in trying to kill it, I was trying to kill a part of myself that was able to love, to give, to receive, to exist. I cannot separate myself from this part of me just as heterosexual people are unable to reject the ability to, and the honor of loving their wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends. They get to love him or her openly, proudly, loudly, happily. If I or my LGBT brothers and sisters do this, we are hushed, we are scoffed at for throwing our gayness everywhere, for hating Christians. Displaying our sin is wicked and gross just because it is different.
Am I a sinner? Certainly, everyone is. But it should not define me or anyone. Furthermore, I refuse to tolerate people calling my homosexuality a sin and using it as an excuse to feel they have the need to save me, to bring me back to God, or to shun me. Oh, how I yearn for refuge. Oh God, even saying the name I was taught to call this Being brings me peace and comfort. Just sitting and saying God...more like a question...like a searching, grasping, trying to test if God is listening. Then my heart, my soul, the God inside me tells me that indeed it is so. I am listened to and cared for. I am loved solely because I exist and there is nothing NOTHING that can separate me from my strong, loving, beautiful Creator. I am so tired of listening to lies that I am not good enough to go to church, I am not good enough to keep company with my Christian friends, that my homosexuality is a sin, and that I am not good enough to ever serve God in any capacity. Most of these lies solely float through my mind, but a few have crossed into the physical world via speech or written word and punched my battered soul right in the stomach to leave it heaving for want of air. But still, I press on. Thankfully, not always alone.
I am blessed to have friends who cheer me on as I search for a community. I am blessed beyond measure by some who have loved me through every piece of my crazy beautiful life. They don't see me as "that poor sinner" but treat me as their sister in Christ, their friend, their equal. One recently made the comment she thinks that it is admirable that even though I face so many obstacles, I keep trying to find a church and a community because it is so important. Fancy that, not a beggar, but a heroine pressing on to find what my heart desires: God, a community, and an earthly home to worship God with my community. So I will press on. When I grow weary, when I feel so lonely it hurts...I will find my refuge in God.
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 17,18
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Lesbian Bible Study: God Still Loves You
1 John 3:19-23: "This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us."
Oh how often we have condemned ourselves! How long did we (do we) tell ourselves that we can never be loved by God because we cannot be attracted to the opposite sex like we are "supposed to!" Oh we have tried, we have dated, we have tried to pray the gay away, but there it is...always reminding us that we are not worthy of God's love. But my friends, we are indeed welcomed into God's loving arms because we are certainly his beloved children. We are not asked to be straight in this verse (and MANY other verses) but we are called to LOVE one another. Jesus also calls us to LOVE ourselves in the verse 1 John is referring to: "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.' " (Matthew 22:37-40, emphasis added). We must learn how to love ourselves again so we can freely love others. The cycle is this: God loves us, so we are free to love ourselves, so that we can love others. (1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us.") If we cannot trust our own love for ourselves, let us relearn to trust that God loves us. In trusting God's love, let us remember how to love ourselves, so we can complete the cycle and freely love others. You are not alone in this journey. There are many who are trying to embrace themselves as Lesbians and Christians, and many who are fighting for a world that will accept us happily in church. Until that world is realized, be comforted that God loves you and is always with you.
Oh how often we have condemned ourselves! How long did we (do we) tell ourselves that we can never be loved by God because we cannot be attracted to the opposite sex like we are "supposed to!" Oh we have tried, we have dated, we have tried to pray the gay away, but there it is...always reminding us that we are not worthy of God's love. But my friends, we are indeed welcomed into God's loving arms because we are certainly his beloved children. We are not asked to be straight in this verse (and MANY other verses) but we are called to LOVE one another. Jesus also calls us to LOVE ourselves in the verse 1 John is referring to: "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.' " (Matthew 22:37-40, emphasis added). We must learn how to love ourselves again so we can freely love others. The cycle is this: God loves us, so we are free to love ourselves, so that we can love others. (1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us.") If we cannot trust our own love for ourselves, let us relearn to trust that God loves us. In trusting God's love, let us remember how to love ourselves, so we can complete the cycle and freely love others. You are not alone in this journey. There are many who are trying to embrace themselves as Lesbians and Christians, and many who are fighting for a world that will accept us happily in church. Until that world is realized, be comforted that God loves you and is always with you.
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Social Media Wars and a Call to #sharethelove
This just in: A Social Media War has been waged against #onemanonewoman and #lovewins people. The Champion in #onemanonewoman's corner is "GOD", while "LGBT" is in #lovewins corner. The rainbow flag is flying around LGBT's shoulders, while #onemanonewoman clutches The Holy Bible to it's chest. Both faces are set in rage, and both feel that they have something to fight to the death for. And here I am: an LGBT who loves God. I am looking at the two of them with confusion, and a deep sense of sadness. It seems my friends are "deleting" each other left and right (no political pun intended), and pasting this brand on each others character due to their claim to a mushed up phrase following a pound/number/hash "#" symbol. When did Facebook, which started as a site to share fun/learning/exciting experiences with your friends and family turn into a platform of belief systems and political opinions? Have we really thrown privacy aside so much that we share these things at the expense of lifelong/decade long/brand new friendships? Furthermore, are we people who find one thing, ONE THING, that is different than our personal views and deem the other party unworthy of us and our friendship? I want to clear the air personally right now and say that I do not. I see friends from both hashtag corners spouting off their beliefs and their righteous anger and hug them in my heart. I recognize that people are being hurt, it seems, on both sides of this topic and I want to scream from the rooftops that you are loveable no matter what you believe. Because the truth of the matter is this: your belief about this topic is only a milifraction (yes, I made that up) of who you are. Of what makes you, you. For people in God's corner, God made us ALL in God's image so we could be LOVED by our creator. People in LGBT's corner, we are finally being recognized as people who can LOVE our partners romantically and share the benefits as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. Love is the key here. Let us continue to share the love that flows through us whether it is through God or through the love that is poured into us by our partners, friends, and family. Let's stop the hate, and #sharethelove
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Claim Strength and Dignity
Proverbs 31:25: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." NRSV
I've been thinking a lot about the value of dignity recently. Many LGBTQ's face discrimination that cultivate a deep sense of feeling like their dignity is stolen by conservative political and Christian thinking that to be anything but "straight" is somehow wrong or immoral. However, while we wait for the rest of the world to catch up, I want to encourage us to claim our OWN dignity. Our dignity can be stolen only if we let go of it. Outside thinking can stay on the outside if we hang onto and remember our invaluable worth that God bestows on us at the moment of our creation. Never let it go friends. There are plenty out there fighting for us, believing in us, loving us for who we ARE. Let's focus on that today, and never let go of our dignity.
Love always,
The Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian
"Any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose." -Nelson Mandela
I've been thinking a lot about the value of dignity recently. Many LGBTQ's face discrimination that cultivate a deep sense of feeling like their dignity is stolen by conservative political and Christian thinking that to be anything but "straight" is somehow wrong or immoral. However, while we wait for the rest of the world to catch up, I want to encourage us to claim our OWN dignity. Our dignity can be stolen only if we let go of it. Outside thinking can stay on the outside if we hang onto and remember our invaluable worth that God bestows on us at the moment of our creation. Never let it go friends. There are plenty out there fighting for us, believing in us, loving us for who we ARE. Let's focus on that today, and never let go of our dignity.
Love always,
The Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian
"Any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose." -Nelson Mandela
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Heart and Mind as One
It seems that life is only a big mess of emotions swirling around in the whirlpool of the human experience. Our poor little brains try so hard to make sense of it all, and in the midst of trying to compartmentalize and structure the onslaught of our emotions, the emotion of frustration or guilt erupts into the unending swirl. Pascal said: "the heart has reasons where reason knows nothing." What would happen if we just let our emotions swirl and try to stop understanding them all? I think we would be swallowed up by the whirlpool and drown. Some try to suppress emotions - that doesn't work, they're still there and as a living entity they are crying to be heard - to indeed be understood by our shallow little brains. They will make themselves known in other ways...anxiety, disease...they will certainly find some way of expression through our body or mind because they are dying to be known. Our little brains cry out that they have too much to think about without including them...but our heart cries out..."Please try to understand me, please find a way to let me express myself. I am real, I am beautiful, and I am deep. I am indeed mostly abstract, but I need to be known. Please don't be lazy brain. Stop being pompous and thinking that you are better than me-we were made to work together. I learn from you, and if you open up to me, I can teach you so much. Life is more than knowing how to control, how to conceptualize. I can show you happiness, passion, and yes pain. But if we work together, we can get through anything. We can be teachers to others by sharing what we have learned from each other. Please please work with me to make this a reality. We are both incredible separately, but together we can create the most beautiful story this life has ever known.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)