I feel like up to this point in my blog I have explained what being a Lesbian in the Bible Belt was like from childhood to high school, and from my marriage until today. I have intentionally skipped my years in college because they were emotionally and spiritually the hardest years of my life. Of course there were sparks of joyful experiences, but most of these were tinted by hatred for that key part of myself - my "homosexuality," my longing to be loved, held, and cared for intimately by another woman. Even the term "homosexuality" fills me with feelings of unease, bitterness, fear, and intense sadness. I spent YEARS wasting my life by hating myself for having this "homosexual struggle." Through this selfish hating of myself, I drug myself and those beautiful women I intimately loved, and the men I tried to love, into a vortex of pain. My hatred of myself, and my longing to be loved, left a black hole in my heart that could never be filled. I prayed as hard as I could and the hole continued to exist. I believe that this is because I refused to love and accept myself, so how could I fruitfully love and accept others and accept God's love. How could I? I have heard all of my life that part of the "Christian life" is learning how to "die to yourself." I believe this phrase has the possibility to turn into a false humility that makes it okay for people to hate themselves so that they feel "unselfish," and therefore a "good Christian." I certainly subconsciously felt this way in high school and most of college. My lack of acceptance of myself in my entirety and this longing to be loved in a way that was impossible without the fruits of the wholeness of self love, twisted my relationships into a near sighted game of hide and seek. I was stuck doing both hiding my true desires from my peers, family, and God, while quietly seeking a way to be loved in any way I could. All of my friends know and knew me to be an affectionate person. I feel loved most through physical touch. This doesn't have to be sexually. I love cuddling, holding hands, and/or hugging any of my friends: male, female, gay, straight. My gay friend Jon always picks me up in a bear hug when he sees me and we always hold hands and giggle about my "small hands" and his "big hands." My heart smiles and feels loved in these seemingly simple gestures. However, we all know that cuddling can indeed be sexual, and in college when I felt my female friend enjoying my physical affections more than platonically, the split occurred. I lived a double life. My same sex love life was water, my trying to be straight life oil, and they could never be mixed. One life I constructed because I grew up believing it was the only way I could live - the "straight" way, the "right" way. The other life I wanted, but couldn't have - it was impossible. So into the shadows my female lover and I would hide for a while, letting our love swirl around us - comforting that piece of ourselves we dare not share with anyone else because we would be condemned, seen as disgusting, unwanted and unloved by our peers, family, and God. Oh but when our love swirled and held us like a blanket, when sparks flew during a kiss, when we finally felt connected to someone and fully loved, it was sweet, intense, beautiful, and painful all at the same time. We both knew the magic would end. We would be forced out of our love blanket and reminded that all of those beautiful feelings were "bad", "unnatural," and "sinful." We would pray, sometimes cry, and make promises to God and each other that "it wouldn't happen again." Even worse was that during most of these times I was living my double life and would go hang out with my boyfriend at the time and try to live a "normal life." In my short sightedness during that game of hide and seek I hurt my female friend and lover and could not stop myself from falling into her arms and starting that excruciatingly terrible cycle all over again. Sometimes we would let one of our friends in on our "secret sin" and let them "keep us accountable." James 5:16a says "Therefore confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, so you may be healed" (NRSV). Unfortunately a few times I have confessed, my ex lover or current lover and I were incredibly shattered and hurt by that Hag called Gossip. She rips trust into a million pieces and destroys bridges between people with the ferocity of Godzilla. Sometimes her wrath is irreparable, and this I mourn intensely. Every person who I have irrevocably hurt with my actions during this time of self hate and hide and seek, where bridges are ash that have been blown away by the wind, have left a hole in my heart. Those who have chosen to erase me from their life, and there have been many, I can never apologize to. In my whole life, I have never wanted to hurt anyone, but because of my feeling forced to conform to a lifestyle that is different from what felt natural to me, and because for a long time I didn't know what I wanted from a lover because I was so used to having others telling me what I wanted, I have hurt so many. For any of you that read this, I cannot express how incredibly sorry I am.
To those who believe in a "hierarchy of sin" and those who believe my lifestyle of monogamous, loving relationship with my wife is a sin (which I indeed do not believe love of any kind can be a sin nor in a hierarchy of sin) - what is more sinful? 1: Living one whole life where I love myself, and love my wife so a double life is unnecessary, or 2: Lying to myself, peers, family, and God by trying to do what Bible Belt Society says and marrying a man only to more than likely cheat on him with a woman and continue that same cycle expressed earlier eventually being so unhappy, scared of being "found out," and hate myself so much for all of the hurt I cause my family, potential lover, and myself that I either think about or complete committing suicide?
The more society, our families, and the church frees us to be who we were created to be, the less people we will inadvertently hurt, including ourselves.
