Wednesday, September 25, 2013

4. Evolution of the Bible: It Gets Personal

My beautiful grandmother (Memaw) gave me a blue leather Bible for my 16th birthday. She even had my full name engraved on it (we share a middle name which I now take great pride in). She and my grandfather (Pops) took care of my sister and I after the State we lived in decided my adoring and loving Mother was unfit to do so because she was forced to live with the label of Bipolar Disorder. Memaw was the reason my sister and I went to Church each Sunday, and the Bible she gave me became my daily companion. This Bible became my love letter from God as well as the buoy I clung to during the torrents and floods of High School angst.
   I am constantly amazed at how powerful emotions are in high school. I can't imagine how I could have coped without the support of my Youth Group. I was blessed by so many Mentors, and they helped shape my view of the Bible. They taught me that I was a Princess of God, and He was my King and Heavenly Father. The Father image was hard for me to picture. My stepfather had sexually abused me. My biological father loved me and my sister very much, but he had a hard time expressing any emotions. He was Schizophrenic and took antipsychotics that dulled all of his emotions and experiences. He and my Mother never married but stayed the best of friends. He never lived with us growing up, so my relationship with him was warm but distant. We both knew we loved each other, but we were both unsure about the how part. I would have liked to try harder after high school to deepen our relationship. However, he passed away when I was in college, while I was too busy with school and trying to sort out my own emotions about who I really was. The yearning for a father was deep in high school though, so I tried hard to experience God as a loving Father. My mentors pointed to many verses that taught me what God as Father looked like, and eventually I was comforted by these when the strong grips of bitterness, hate, and anger for my stepfather arose. I often felt on the edge of darkness when memories of him surprised me during the days and nights after I told my Youth Leader what happened. That Youth Leader encouraged me to keep a journal, and she gave me a yellow bracelet to remind me of Psalm 46:10a: "Be still and know that I am God." She taught me that God is always there for me, I needed only to be still. When she had to move to a country on the opposite side of the world, I was devastated. At this point, she was the only one who knew. She encouraged me to tell one of the other Youth Leaders, and I did. Before she left she gave me her e-mail address and said that she would be back in 18 months. She left before I had my Fast and the Furious gay epiphany. When she come back to the States I got to hang out with her for a few hours. I had by then had my epiphany. Sadly, the only thing I distinctly remember about our conversation was her asking me, "I mean, you're not gay or anything right?" and me responding after a second of freaking out inside, "no of course not."

-Let me take a quick break here. There are some who believe that there is a causal relationship between sexual abuse and homosexuality. To give a little perspective, about 1 in 3 women are sexually abused. About 1 in 100 women are homosexual. I personally do not think my sexual abuse played a big roll, if any, in my being homosexual. Thank you for your time, moving on! :) -

After this horrifying incident, I promised myself I would never tell anyone about my attraction to the same sex. Despite this, my faith grew, and the Bible became a book of comfort, and encouragement. I also used the Bible as a refuge and a way to grow closer to my Heavenly Father.
   The next Youth Leader I told about my stepfather lead me to verses that helped me forgive him so I could open up my heart to accept more of God's ever present love. Forgiving him was not easy, but she lovingly encouraged me one day to just say it out loud. She promised it would get easier. I grudgingly said "I forgive you" after about 30 minutes of battling in my heart and mind. The relief was such a shock. I felt a flood of freedom and I am almost certain I could feel my Heavenly Father rejoicing. The forgiveness road was hard, and I turned around frequently toward the dark desert of unforgiveness where bitterness, anger, and sadness lived. When this happened, God through my Youth Leader and my Bible, loved me and encouraged me to forgive again, and I would face the Orchard of Forgiveness where joy, peace, and freedom could be found. Only there could my heart mimic the fertile ground so God could plant his love to grow in order to share his Love Fruit with others. The road was hard, but undeniably worth the struggle. Best of all, I was never alone.



Sunday, September 22, 2013

3. The Evolution of the Bible: Backdrop for It Gets Personal

For this next story, I must provide a Backdrop to frame its content. I tried to write one without it, and it was a dry as a desert and as deep as a puddle. This Backdrop is a glimpse into the deepest parts of my teenage soul, welcome. My Backdrop includes two very important circumstances to my high school Bible Evolution Story: 1: The first time I knew I was gay (I couldn't even say the word Lesbian about myself until two years after I came out), and 2: My biggest emotional struggle in high school. Surprisingly, these are not the same thing. I didn't fight head on with my "struggle of homosexuality" until college. So, with that said, welcome to my teenage soul, I am honored you are here.

Layer 1: The Fast and the Furious: The first and BEST movie of this overdone series

Layer 2: My 2nd Biggest Secret

Layer 1: It was a beautiful summer evening in west North Carolina. My sister and I were staying the night at our cousins' house. I was 15 years old. After a lovely day of swimming in our cousins' pool, and a wonderful dinner, we were ready to get into our jammies and watch a movie. We grabbed blankets and made a comfy theater in their living room. The movie that was chosen was The Fast and the Furious. I was pretty bored until the scene where Van Diesel's girlfriend, Michelle Rodriguez, was introduced. I was captivated by her character. She was tough, confident, and sassy. Anytime she came on the screen I got butterflies in my stomach. This feelings was new to me because it wasn't the same as the usual feeling of wanting to BE the character, I wanted to BE WITH the character. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I just wanted to be around her. After the movie, we all went to sleep in the living room and I imagined walking down a deserted urban street in the middle of the night. I next imagined someone trying to mug me, but hark! Who is that driving toward us in a souped up sports car to save the day? None other than Michelle Rodriguez! She tears out of the car, beats the mugger up, and ushers me into the car where we drive into the night holding hands. That's it! That was the first time I knew I was gay....and it scared me more than anything.

Layer 2: This one is a little more touchy but here we go. When I was 8 years old, I was sexually abused by my stepfather. It only happened once and I had no idea what to even call it until I told...and by told I mean stumbled over words while the youth leader I confided in helped me with such vocabulary...what happened to me. The unveiling of this to myself and someone else shattered my heart. A flood of negative feelings invaded my now exposed soul and it would take me five years to sort through those feelings, and find forgiveness, hope, and a sense of self. My youth group and the youth leaders kept pointing me back to God and the Bible when I lost myself in my pain. Therefore the Bible was a life vest during this time as well as a love letter from God to remind me I was valuable, loved, and never alone despite the pain and violation I felt while navigating the sea of restoration.

With this backdrop in place, I will tell my tale of how the Bible evolved for me in high school, as the duality of the fear shadow and faithful servant strengthened simultaneously.

Friday, September 13, 2013

2. The Evolution of the Bible: Through a Child's Eyes

I received my very first Bible when I was six years old. I liked the pictures more than the words, and I liked the felt board stories in Sunday School most of all. I grew up in the Methodist Church, you know, one of the "First" ones in my city. I loved all of the animals in the stories. I was fascinated by the fact that every man had a big burly beard, and I thought all of their robes looked really comfortable when compared to my weekly tortures of mandatory dresses and hose. The Christmas story was always my favorite Bible story. I was captivated by Mary. She was so strong and loved Jesus so much. I actually had quite a few dreams about her when I was around this age, and one seemed so real I am tempted to call it a vision. In my dream/vision I awoke from sleep and stood on my bed to look out the window. Normally, through this window I could only see the side of my neighbors house that had a window that was always closed with the blinds down. This night however, the window was wide open and I saw Mary. She was wearing a deep sapphire colored robe and Jesus was in her arms. She was rocking him to sleep and singing. Then she looked up, straight into my eyes and I was flooded with joy, strength, awe, and mystery. The next night I woke up in the middle of the night and looked out my window to see if she was there again. However, the window that was not filtered through dream/vision was cloaked in darkness. I was sad when I realized I may never see her again, but I held onto that feeling she gave me, and I can still conjure it from time to time.
   Jesus inspired similar feelings in me, except his were more personal while my feelings for Mary had a mentor like quality. Jesus was my friend. I loved the felt board picture of Jesus and the little children sitting on his lap and at his feet. I could tell him anything and I knew he wouldn't tell anybody. I knew he was always there for me. When I was sad, all I had to do was close my eyes and he would hold me and tell me everything was ok. The stories in the Bible told me he was always in my heart because of what he did for me on the cross. The Bible was solely a book of stories to me then, but it evolved as I grew older.
   I joined the Methodist Church when I was 11 years old. I received a Hymnal, a Book of Discipline, and you guessed it, a Bible. By then, I saw the Bible as a book of rules to follow, or else. I only read it when I had to, but I got the gist of these rules and lived accordingly.
They were as follows:
Don't lie, EVER
Don't cheat in school, EVER
Don't hit your sister or your friends, even if they hit you first...EVER
Don't disobey your parents, EVER...this one was very important
Don't skip church, EVER
Don't be gay, EVER
Pray before meals and before you go to bed
You get the idea.

Around this age Sunday School started to remind me of regular school, and I didn't enjoy it very much. The felt boards were gone, we didn't have play time anymore, and we didn't have snack time. All I remember is learning rules, and learning what a pulpit and a narthex were. Looking back, I know this was because our church simply had no one to teach our age group who had any previous experience, but I missed Jesus as my friend. I feel God was up in heaven pointing his finger at me saying, "I'm watching you" like a school principal and not like a loving Father. My extreme focus on these rules faded the love and friendship I felt coming from Jesus my friend, and the fear set in. This fear shadow of what if I am not good enough would haunt me for most of my life. This fear would end up coagulating into the tangible form of Legalism until my life fell apart enough for God to love the scared girl I was on the inside of that coagulated legalistic shell. Ah, but I am getting ahead of myself.
   My fear shadow had fallen on my heart so the light of Jesus' love was dimmed by the shiny new reinforced importance of Biblical Rules. Instead of soaking in God's love for me that exists solely because I exist, I started to believe that God loves me only if I followed these Biblical Rules. This snowballed into the misconcception that He had a love to work/rules ratio.
 Notice the progression: 1: God loves me. 2. God loves me if I follow rules and doesn't love me if I do not follow these rules. 3. God will love me more if I follow more rules and do more "good" things and he will love me less if I do bad things and do not follow these rules.
   I think the understanding of God's love for us is part of what Jesus means when he says in Luke 18:16, "But Jesus called for them and said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not stop them, for it is to such as these that the kingdom of God belongs. Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it." How will we ever have the courage to face God and enter the Kingdom of heaven if we do not soak in and embrace the eternal fact that God loves us solely because we exist?



Wednesday, September 11, 2013

1. The Evolution of the Bible and Mosaics

I believe that the Bible evolves as people grow in their faith. The words will always be the same, but perception will be different from childhood to adulthood because of education and experience. Furthermore, the evolution of the Bible and the perception of it will be different for everyone. I believe our uniqueness is an advantage to humanity and it has the capacity to bring people closer together, as well as tear us apart. I think the recognition of this duplicity is extremely important. Too often we equate sameness with greatness, but in reality, sameness is small and derisive because of the ones who are different and rejected. We have so much to offer each other because of our differences. It is beautiful when we can come together and share the unique experiences of our faith journeys without fear because of the love we share for one another because of that faith. Even if we disagree, it shouldn't affect our love and respect for each other because God is who God is no matter what God's children say. So why must we fight about it? I believe we are like a Mosaic. All the pieces are different shapes and colors, but if we allow ourselves to enjoy and respect our differences, we can fit together to form a vibrant reflection of God. If we do this, who wouldn't want to be a part of it?

Preview: 

The Evolution of the Bible Through the Eyes of a Child

Encouragement of the Day:

Galatians 3:28: In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ.
The Message

...for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
ESV, NIV, NLT




Monday, September 9, 2013

Why Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian?

Some of you may be wondering why I chose to call this blog "Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian." First, the name is shocking, and enigmatic in hopes that more people will be inspired to read this blog. My sole purpose is to inform people what it is like being homosexual in the Bible Belt in order to give them perspective. I do not want to argue for or against any view, opinion, belief, or law. Second, I chose the name because it reflects what my beliefs were before I came out of the closet, and the name gives a very general idea of my location. Here is what the Bible Belt means to me: A geographical location in the United States specifically in the Southeast that is dominated by Christian Fundamentalism. When I think of Christian Fundamentalism I think of a literal translation of the Bible, focus on Biblical Rules, Church leaders reinforcing these rules, a focus on the importance of "getting saved," and the importance of saving others by the teaching of Biblical Rules and condemning those who choose not to live accordingly. Despite this, growing up I wanted to follow all of the rules because I wanted my Father in heaven to be proud of his little girl. I thought I did a pretty good job until I was 15 and realized I was attracted to the same sex. When this happened a shift occurred in my thinking and I was terrified that if I couldn't get rid of this attraction then I would be condemned to hell. Anytime I heard anything about homosexuality, in public or in Church, this belief was reinforced. I did not hear anything positive about being Homosexual and a Christian until I was 22. I will be providing snapshots of what my life was like growing up as a Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian, and I hope to include some other opinions, or mindsets to level out my bias and give this blog some variety. Thank you for joining me, and I hope you enjoy the show!

Preview:

"Evolution of the Bible"
 How the Bible changed for me from age 5 through adulthood.

Encouragement of the day:

John 10:14-16: I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep, and they know me, just as my Father knows me and I know the Father. So I sacrifice my life for the sheep. I have other sheep too, that are not in this sheepfold. I must bring them too. They will listen to my voice, and there will be ONE flock with ONE shepherd.

Inspiration of the Day:

"Why a Bible Belt Conservative Spent a Year Pretending to Be Gay"
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2012/oct/13/bible-belt-conservative-year-gay


  Check my Facebook page "Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian" for updates or sign up for updates via e-mail. biblebeltlesbian@outlook.com

Sunday, September 1, 2013

Coffee and Introspection

I step out onto my porch as I do every morning to greet the new day. As the aroma of my coffee meets my nose I am once again embraced by the beauty of the Appalachian mountains. I think about the poor child I read in a news article my friend told me about that was bullied for being gay and I remember the dark side of my own childhood. The difference between me and  this child however, was that my bully was one that could not be seen. I hid her from my family, friends, and co-workers. She tortured me. She told me the God that I loved and wanted to please so badly could never love all of me. She told me the bible was a tool to tell me how sinful I was and taught me how to judge myself and others. She convinced me I was so sinful that I was unloveable. I hid her behind good intentions, legalism, religion, social norms, and all that was expected of me. It wasn't until God graciously let my world come crashing down that I realized that bully was me.