After I started going through a divorce a few months ago, I found myself living completely alone for the first time in my life. During this transition, I also found myself fighting the ability to finally be introspective without shaping myself up to an outside standard. I felt utterly lost. I found myself thinking why do I always end up single, usually because of my choice to quit a relationship. I then heard the lie I had believed most of my life: because I am unlovable. I convince myself of this so much that I turn my partner's words and actions, or inaction into a personal offense. I believe they cannot love me, and I quit. Until this point, I have mainly shaped my value and my worth on what people thought about me, my achievements, and religion. I think this is what many go through during their personal growth. However, when it comes to being gay and growing up as Christians in the Bible Belt, I think many of us also go through the muck and mire of drifting through the dark swamp that is the lie that we are unlovable because we cannot get rid of this SIN. This happens when our attraction, our longing to be loved, our longing to love someone in return romantically, physically, holistically; and all of these feelings that straight people also go through during the throes of adolescence gets pasted with that word: SIN. We stumble through this dark desolate swamp beating ourselves with Bible verses that we have found ourselves, or our loved ones have handed to us with their good intentions that we all know the path it can lead to. Our wounds fester because we are stuck in this mire, and finally, after years of trying to "give it to God," "pray away the gay," and to get rid of this SIN that seems to completely dominate our lives, we believe we will never get out. When we are stuck here, fighting our longing for love, we find ourselves believing we are indeed unlovable. Our insides crumble, some even get sick because we are constantly fighting ourselves, so our body follows suit and attacks itself. Some choose to attack themselves physically with cutting, or in my case in high school to stop eating, just in effort to know that we can control SOMETHING if not our will to love and be attracted to the people we are "supposed to love."
I will never forget when a little sunshine first appeared in my own swamp. A friend of mine introduced me to someone who told me what would be my first glimpse of hope: I could be gay AND be a Christian. Before I heard this glimmer of hope, I had tried to live life as being gay and not being a Christian since I could not believe blending them was possible. I was still in the same swamp, just more alone. I also lacked the beauty, comfort, and peace that comes with spirituality, and being connected to the divine. It took someone from the outside telling me I could indeed be both to even believe it could have the potential of being possible. I clung onto it like a rope that guided me through this darkness, but it was still in the muck. I did not know where it led, but at least it was a start. Slowly and surely, I met more people with this belief. I am completely convinced God brought people into my path to love me back to a place where I could reach enough sunshine to grow, heal, and begin to love again. I have been offered enough love through others to get me to a place where I think God is leading me to finally learn how to love myself without depending solely on others and outside sources. This is a scary place for me, but a necessary one if I am to ever be able to fully love myself and others as God has called me.
There are many ways others can help LGBT Christians begin this journey. If you are straight, and you know someone who is gay, or even if you don't, figure out what you believe. Whatever the outcome, if you know someone who is gay, let them know that you care about them, that they are indeed lovable, that God loves them no matter what, and that they matter to you. LGBT Christians are usually scared to reach out, so please, give them that hope. If you are LGBT and a Christian, share your story. We need to hear that there are MANY of us who have found a way to bridge the gap of being gay and a Christian. We need to hear that we are not alone in our struggle to find a way to love ourselves JUST AS WE ARE, because our Creator certainly does.
