Friday, May 19, 2017

Love is a Circle, not a Transaction


Love in its genuine pure form was meant to free us, not chain us. Love exists to be mutually beneficial, it's not a transaction. We live in a culture that is focused on consumerism. We're forced to keep it together at work, sometimes putting up with abuse from customers, and not letting our guard down. How we act because of consumerism, and how we act at work, unfortunately gets translated into how we love at home.

Consumerism teaches us that with anything we want, we have to pay for. And anything we give, needs to be bought. When we translate this into love, it becomes a back and forth transaction, instead of a freeing energy of appreciation of the existence of the subject of our care. When recentered, love starts with a genuine enjoyment of time spent with a person, of appreciating their existence, of wanting to help, and make the object of our love smile. Then when any of our gifts are given, and received, the giver is given the gift of appreciation, as well as a gratefulness they could help the person of their care smile. Love becomes a mutually fulfilling circle, instead of a back and forth transaction. There are no expectations, and no yearning to be paid back.



Expectations are part of the work place and society as a whole. We are expected to be on time, do our work, keep it together no matter how hard it gets, and then we expect to be paid. When translated to how we love, it just becomes another thing to check off our list, another way to "gain favors," so we can get something back. We have turned love into a chain of expectations, instead of the freeing, understanding, flexible, and mutually beneficial force it naturally is. But because we're human, and live in this consumerist realm, balance is key. We can't love if we don't love ourselves.

In order to love, support, and serve others, we must learn how to do the same for ourselves. And accept the same from those who love us. No man is an island, and we need community to survive and thrive. Consumerism teaches us that we are on our own to get what we want, and this becomes a lonely; difficult state of mind when translated into how we love ourselves and others. It's now self centered. Then there are those who are used to nothing and give all they have in order to be loved. It takes really getting to know, and loving ourselves—without the entitled fallacy that we have a right to everything we "pay for"—to truly love freely without attachment or expectation. We have to be able to fully appreciate a person for exactly who they are, not who we want them to be for us. That is just another expectation that will always lead to disappointment and isolation.

"The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them." —Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island

Love is a force that frees us, upholds us, encourages us to keep going, and never give up. It can never chain us, or make us feel afraid. Let's offer this to ourselves and each other, and be reminded of its power, its peace, its comfort, and its inspiration to keep living life to the fullest.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

What Divorce Taught Me About Platonic Intimacy

For the longest time after my divorce, I found myself feeling so depressed because I lost my "person," the person I depended on for everything. They shared all of my happiness, and all of my struggles. They were gone, and I believed I had no one. This past year however, I have finally accepted that I don't have to have a "person." Instead, I have a slew of beautiful friends, and a supportive; loving family to sustain me when I can't sustain myself. I have learned how fulfilling it is to be there for people, and to accept them being here for me. I finally embraced the beauty that is living in the moment, and letting go of the chains of expectations has freed me. Marriage didn't teach me that, but divorce did.

Marriage is funny. I have had so many conversations with my friends about how no one really prepares us for how hard it is. Nor how fulfilling it has the potential to be. But for it to be fulfilling, it takes so much emotional labor, honest open communication, and compromise. Not only that, but as humans who cannot thrive without community, it takes having a strong support system. Many of us sacrifice this because of our age's dependence on only the nuclear family. We have forgotten the importance of having our tribe. This includes the unfortunate erasure of the fulfillment that is platonic love.

Because of the plethora of movies that romanticize and provide an unrealistic picture that romantic love can fulfill us completely, many of us have lost the ability to connect, be vulnerable with, and holistically love—and be loved by—our friends. Society has a tendency to sexualize any intimate action, whether it's platonic or romantic. Thankfully I have many friends now who will hold my hand, kiss my face, and hold me close just because they care about me. It's beautiful, and hugs my heart in such a deep meaningful way. Because of our mutual love and respect for one another, supporting and encouraging each other becomes as easy, and life giving, as breathing. After I stopped focusing on myself and what I was missing, I found life again serving my loved ones when they needed it, as they did for me.

So many of us are so worried about meeting our own needs, that we rarely find time to look after the needs of others. Don't get me wrong, self love and care are important. We cannot fully love and serve others without loving and serving ourselves. But this is a balance we can learn if find the will to do so. Then when we find it, giving can be as fulfilling as receiving. Instead of a pendulum of give and take, love turns into a beautiful circle of mutual satisfaction. This has the capacity to give us so much life, meaning, and fulfillment—if we let it. Especially if our love is given and received without expectation.

Expectation chains us. Without expectation, there would be no disappointment. However, this is balanced by the importance of respect. Which is then balanced by understanding. When we genuinely love and care for our tribe, we respect that we all have needs that may need to be met outside of ourselves. Because of how life works, we only have a certain time frame or resources to offer, and we offer what we can, when we can. Then if it doesn't work out because life is messy, we all understand. We can then seek what we need elsewhere in the tribe, and this is okay. When we embrace the beauty of vulnerability, we get to give our tribe the opportunity to love us, and fulfill what we need, with whomever is available and has the resources.

Love, in whatever form, is not a transaction. It's a life giving circle of care, respect, appreciation, and acceptance, that can be beautifully mutually beneficial. Sure, we'll all mess up. But that's where forgiveness, compassion, grace, and going with the flow can sustain our relationships. We thrive through our community, however we find it. May we seek out our tribe, and when we find it, embrace the beauty that is the circle of love.