"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in the Lord." -Psalm 34:8
Oh how I yearn for refuge. How I yearn to stop hearing the voices in my head scream "Sinner!" Not only am I a lesbian to them, no, I am a once married lesbian and now divorced lesbian. "Sinner!" Do they call me this to my face? Some have, wrapped in a pretty package of pity and piety. Handing me perfumed verses that turn sour as soon as they reach my tired soul. Some have even tried to fight for me, that poor sinner, by saying to others that I am the prostitute Jesus spared from god fearing people by daring the one who had not sinned to cast the first stone. Some have tried to argue that everyone is a sinner, so why can't I use this as an argument to justify why I should be allowed to go to church? I've spent most of my adult life picturing myself as the beggar asking Christians to please PLEASE let me worship with them. Please let me play music again, sing again with my brothers and sisters. Let me learn alongside them about God, love, the universe, the great why's and the mystery surrounding Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In my search for a church family, I have found that if I am honest about my life and my sexuality, I am unintentionally given the power to wreck a church, to split it's members, and send some out the door. Please believe me when I tell you, I DO NOT want this power. They CHOOSE to leave because they feel they cannot worship alongside something so utterly sinful. I just want to be in a community again, to be comforted, encouraged, asked how my heart is. I have also found that pastors still keep what I have referred to as "the sin list" and yes, I am still on it.
I will tell you now...I am tired of it. Tired of this cursed list. I grew so weary of beating myself daily for not being able to destroy this part of me...that I embraced my sexual orientation. I saw that in trying to kill it, I was trying to kill a part of myself that was able to love, to give, to receive, to exist. I cannot separate myself from this part of me just as heterosexual people are unable to reject the ability to, and the honor of loving their wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends. They get to love him or her openly, proudly, loudly, happily. If I or my LGBT brothers and sisters do this, we are hushed, we are scoffed at for throwing our gayness everywhere, for hating Christians. Displaying our sin is wicked and gross just because it is different.
Am I a sinner? Certainly, everyone is. But it should not define me or anyone. Furthermore, I refuse to tolerate people calling my homosexuality a sin and using it as an excuse to feel they have the need to save me, to bring me back to God, or to shun me. Oh, how I yearn for refuge. Oh God, even saying the name I was taught to call this Being brings me peace and comfort. Just sitting and saying God...more like a question...like a searching, grasping, trying to test if God is listening. Then my heart, my soul, the God inside me tells me that indeed it is so. I am listened to and cared for. I am loved solely because I exist and there is nothing NOTHING that can separate me from my strong, loving, beautiful Creator. I am so tired of listening to lies that I am not good enough to go to church, I am not good enough to keep company with my Christian friends, that my homosexuality is a sin, and that I am not good enough to ever serve God in any capacity. Most of these lies solely float through my mind, but a few have crossed into the physical world via speech or written word and punched my battered soul right in the stomach to leave it heaving for want of air. But still, I press on. Thankfully, not always alone.
I am blessed to have friends who cheer me on as I search for a community. I am blessed beyond measure by some who have loved me through every piece of my crazy beautiful life. They don't see me as "that poor sinner" but treat me as their sister in Christ, their friend, their equal. One recently made the comment she thinks that it is admirable that even though I face so many obstacles, I keep trying to find a church and a community because it is so important. Fancy that, not a beggar, but a heroine pressing on to find what my heart desires: God, a community, and an earthly home to worship God with my community. So I will press on. When I grow weary, when I feel so lonely it hurts...I will find my refuge in God.
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 17,18
