By Celebrating Our Differences, We Embrace Our Potential

http://geeksout.org/blogs/ztmac108/celebrating-our-differences-we-embrace-our-potential

New piece for Geeks Out. This is a beautiful space for LGBTQ folks who are looking for an interweb home for their geeky side, and I've been honored to be included in writing for them. Enjoy!

How to Support Your Homosexual Christian Friend

Your friend just called/text you asking you to talk. You have noticed that your friend is extremely angsty lately, nervous, on edge. Furthermore, you feel like they may be of a different sexuality than your own because of X, y, or z. You don't know what to do or say because you've never felt this way yourself. You may have heard all of your life that being gay is a sin and have thought you've seen Bible verses to agree with that view. Believe me, they probably have too and have spent years beating themselves raw with them. Here is some advice from the lips of a Christian lesbian that I hope helps you navigate your conversation in a way to best love and support your friend.

1: When your friend texts or calls you asking to speak with you in person, be sure to tell them that no matter what he/she tells you, you love them and accept them.

2: When they confess that they have had homosexual/bisexual thoughts in person or over the phone, repeat number one.

3: After you reassure them you're still their friend no matter what, celebrate the courage it took to trust you with something so incredibly hard.

4: This is very important and very hard for the many Christians who believe being gay/bisexual is a sin and wrong...be sure to remind them that no matter what, God loves them just the way they are.

5: If they are huggers, give them a hug. Then ask how you can support them best. Thank them again for considering you a safe place for this information and repeat step one.

The following are five things that I would ask...borderline beg you NOT to do.

1: Do not quote verses about homosexuality. As I mentioned earlier, they have probably heard them all and are haunted by them.

2: Do not ask if they have tried to be straight. Obviously they have or they wouldn't have come to you. And this makes them think you find them flawed and less than human.

3: Even though I know it's a good intention...don't encourage them to hide it for his/her own sake so they won't be hurt by this cruel world. That's a kind of rejection in and of itself and makes them feel like the most intimate part of themselves is as ugly as a birthmark that they need to hide. And anyway...they are tired of hiding. That's why they are coming to you.

4: For the love of everything that is holy...do NOT tell them they are going to hell for feeling this way. Even if you preface this with..."I'm only telling you because I love and care about you." Do not tell them this. You don't know that, and if you believe homosexuality is a sin, and you believe Jesus died for those...they aren't going to hell. I believe love of any kind is not a sin, and they just want to believe this too. Just let them.

5: Do not abandon them. Stay an integral part of their lives. Congratulations! You are now part of their support system as they relearn how to love themselves.

Your friend has probably done all he/she could to pray the gay away, he/she has probably looked up all the Bible verses that at first glance seem to be against the very feelings that come most naturally to them. They may have tried to date someone of the opposite gender just to see if they could ignite what they were "supposed to feel" and obviously, since they are coming to you about it, this has failed. I want you to know they are probably terrified that their family, their other friends, that YOU will judge them, abandon them, hate them because of this information. With that in mind, consider yourself incredibly blessed that your friend trusts you and loves you enough to lay their broken vulnerable heart open on the table for you to gaze at. Please be loving enough to look at it, then look at your friend, smile, and say thank you for trusting me with something so beautiful.

Advent, Wrap Me in Your Loving Arms...

As Advent comes ever closer...I find my heart longing once again for community, and a safe place to celebrate my favorite liturgical season of the year. Advent was something I always looked forward to even as a child in the Methodist church I grew up in. I loved listening to each Christmas Story in the Bible and watching each candle being lit. I find myself yearning so strongly for a place to feel safe, to feel accepted, to feel support and offer it in return to my peers. I miss church so much, but still...I am constantly afraid. I have been invited to several churches, and my friends, this means more to me than you could know. However, the reality of my situation is that no matter where I go here in this beautiful state I call home, there will be some who I will make uncomfortable merely because of my presence. The last church I went to, with the support of my former wife and her family, still haunts me. Six families left because I transferred my membership from the Methodist Church I grew up in. Thinking back on that experience, I remember that there were some who tried to make me more comfortable, and some who were uncomfortable but still tried to reach out and accept me. Maybe I just need to have patience and courage with others who do not accept me at first...just as they need compassion and patience with themselves as well as me, as they acclimate to my presence. Friends...if you pray, please pray that I find courage again to step out in faith to find a church community. Pray that I can overcome my grief, anger, and fear that people won't accept me, and just be thankful there are some that do love me just the way I am.

"Fear Leads to Anger, Anger to Hate, Hate to Suffering..." -Yoda

"Fear Leads to Anger, Anger to Hate, Hate to Suffering..."-Yoda

These are wise words from the most famous Jedi Master. Oh how we could all learn some humility and gain a mutual wisdom from his words. We set ourselves on opposite sides of the bridge of love and our fear of each other, whatever opposite our feeble minds may create, builds a barrier of animosity. If only we could open our minds...clear them as the Jedi suggests...we could exist in harmony together. We could allow the light side of the force to emanate a passageway into the darkness that is ultimately benign. Benign because ultimately, no matter our background, our upbringing, our biology, our nature, our nurture; we ALL deal with similar life choices, consequences, tasks, rites of passage, etc. If we could only open our eyes, look past our fear, our anger, our hate; we would see a mutual understanding of our journey as human beings: to learn, to grow, to choose, to fail, to succeed, to be alone, to love, to exist - in all that entails, and we would build each other up, and not continue to beat each other down. May we be mindful, may we be patient, may we be ever intentional to follow Yoda's insight so that we can evade the suffering of the dark force, no matter how alluring it is in the present moment.

I Am Not "That Poor Sinner"

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in the Lord." -Psalm 34:8

   Oh how I yearn for refuge. How I yearn to stop hearing the voices in my head scream "Sinner!" Not only am I a lesbian to them, no, I am a once married lesbian and now divorced lesbian. "Sinner!" Do they call me this to my face? Some have, wrapped in a pretty package of pity and piety. Handing me perfumed verses that turn sour as soon as they reach my tired soul. Some have even tried to fight for me, that poor sinner, by saying to others that I am the prostitute Jesus spared from god fearing people by daring the one who had not sinned to cast the first stone. Some have tried to argue that everyone is a sinner, so why can't I use this as an argument to justify why I should be allowed to go to church? I've spent most of my adult life picturing myself as the beggar asking Christians to please PLEASE let me worship with them. Please let me play music again, sing again with my brothers and sisters. Let me learn alongside them about God, love, the universe, the great why's and the mystery surrounding Jesus and the Holy Spirit. In my search for a church family, I have found that if I am honest about my life and my sexuality, I am unintentionally given the power to wreck a church, to split it's members, and send some out the door. Please believe me when I tell you, I DO NOT want this power. They CHOOSE to leave because they feel they cannot worship alongside something so utterly sinful. I just want to be in a community again, to be comforted, encouraged, asked how my heart is. I have also found that pastors still keep what I have referred to as "the sin list" and yes, I am still on it.
    I will tell you now...I am tired of it. Tired of this cursed list. I grew so weary of beating myself daily for not being able to destroy this part of me...that I embraced my sexual orientation. I saw that in trying to kill it, I was trying to kill a part of myself that was able to love, to give, to receive, to exist. I cannot separate myself from this part of me just as heterosexual people are unable to reject the ability to, and the honor of loving their wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends. They get to love him or her openly, proudly, loudly, happily. If I or my LGBT brothers and sisters do this, we are hushed, we are scoffed at for throwing our gayness everywhere, for hating Christians. Displaying our sin is wicked and gross just because it is different.
   Am I a sinner? Certainly, everyone is. But it should not define me or anyone. Furthermore, I refuse to tolerate people calling my homosexuality a sin and using it as an excuse to feel they have the need to save me, to bring me back to God, or to shun me. Oh, how I yearn for refuge. Oh God, even saying the name I was taught to call this Being brings me peace and comfort. Just sitting and saying God...more like a question...like a searching, grasping, trying to test if God is listening. Then my heart, my soul, the God inside me tells me that indeed it is so. I am listened to and cared for. I am loved solely because I exist and there is nothing NOTHING that can separate me from my strong, loving, beautiful Creator. I am so tired of listening to lies that I am not good enough to go to church, I am not good enough to keep company with my Christian friends, that my homosexuality is a sin, and that I am not good enough to ever serve God in any capacity. Most of these lies solely float through my mind, but a few have crossed into the physical world via speech or written word and punched my battered soul right in the stomach to leave it heaving for want of air. But still, I press on. Thankfully, not always alone.
   I am blessed to have friends who cheer me on as I search for a community. I am blessed beyond measure by some who have loved me through every piece of my crazy beautiful life. They don't see me as "that poor sinner" but treat me as their sister in Christ, their friend, their equal. One recently made the comment she thinks that it is admirable that even though I face so many obstacles, I keep trying to find a church and a community because it is so important. Fancy that, not a beggar, but a heroine pressing on to find what my heart desires: God, a community, and an earthly home to worship God with my community. So I will press on. When I grow weary, when I feel so lonely it hurts...I will find my refuge in God.

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34: 17,18

Lesbian Bible Study: God Still Loves You

1 John 3:19-23: "This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us."

Oh how often we have condemned ourselves! How long did we (do we) tell ourselves that we can never be loved by God because we cannot be attracted to the opposite sex like we are "supposed to!" Oh we have tried, we have dated, we have tried to pray the gay away, but there it is...always reminding us that we are not worthy of God's love. But my friends, we are indeed welcomed into God's loving arms because we are certainly his beloved children. We are not asked to be straight in this verse (and MANY other verses) but we are called to LOVE one another. Jesus also calls us to LOVE ourselves in the verse 1 John is referring to: "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.' " (Matthew 22:37-40, emphasis added). We must learn how to love ourselves again so we can freely love others. The cycle is this: God loves us, so we are free to love ourselves, so that we can love others. (1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us.") If we cannot trust our own love for ourselves, let us relearn to trust that God loves us. In trusting God's love, let us remember how to love ourselves, so we can complete the cycle and freely love others. You are not alone in this journey. There are many who are trying to embrace themselves as Lesbians and Christians, and many who are fighting for a world that will accept us happily in church. Until that world is realized, be comforted that God loves you and is always with you.

Social Media Wars and a Call to #sharethelove

This just in: A Social Media War has been waged against #onemanonewoman and #lovewins people. The Champion in #onemanonewoman's corner is "GOD", while "LGBT" is in #lovewins corner. The rainbow flag is flying around LGBT's shoulders, while #onemanonewoman clutches The Holy Bible to it's chest. Both faces are set in rage, and both feel that they have something to fight to the death for. And here I am: an LGBT who loves God. I am looking at the two of them with confusion, and a deep sense of sadness. It seems my friends are "deleting" each other left and right (no political pun intended), and pasting this brand on each others character due to their claim to a mushed up phrase following a pound/number/hash "#" symbol. When did Facebook, which started as a site to share fun/learning/exciting experiences with your friends and family turn into a platform of belief systems and political opinions? Have we really thrown privacy aside so much that we share these things at the expense of lifelong/decade long/brand new friendships? Furthermore, are we people who find one thing, ONE THING, that is different than our personal views and deem the other party unworthy of us and our friendship? I want to clear the air personally right now and say that I do not. I see friends from both hashtag corners spouting off their beliefs and their righteous anger and hug them in my heart. I recognize that people are being hurt, it seems, on both sides of this topic and I want to scream from the rooftops that you are loveable no matter what you believe. Because the truth of the matter is this: your belief about this topic is only a milifraction (yes, I made that up) of who you are. Of what makes you, you. For people in God's corner, God made us ALL in God's image so we could be LOVED by our creator. People in LGBT's corner, we are finally being recognized as people who can LOVE our partners romantically and share the benefits as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. Love is the key here. Let us continue to share the love that flows through us whether it is through God or through the love that is poured into us by our partners, friends, and family. Let's stop the hate, and #sharethelove

Claim Strength and Dignity

Proverbs 31:25: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." NRSV

I've been thinking a lot about the value of dignity recently. Many LGBTQ's face discrimination that cultivate a deep sense of feeling like their dignity is stolen by conservative political and Christian thinking that to be anything but "straight" is somehow wrong or immoral. However, while we wait for the rest of the world to catch up, I want to encourage us to claim our OWN dignity. Our dignity can be stolen only if we let go of it. Outside thinking can stay on the outside if we hang onto and remember our invaluable worth that God bestows on us at the moment of our creation. Never let it go friends. There are plenty out there fighting for us, believing in us, loving us for who we ARE. Let's focus on that today, and never let go of our dignity.

Love always,
The Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian

"Any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose." -Nelson Mandela

Heart and Mind as One

It seems that life is only a big mess of emotions swirling around in the whirlpool of the human experience. Our poor little brains try so hard to make sense of it all, and in the midst of trying to compartmentalize and structure the onslaught of our emotions, the emotion of frustration or guilt erupts into the unending swirl. Pascal said: "the heart has reasons where reason knows nothing." What would happen if we just let our emotions swirl and try to stop understanding them all? I think we would be swallowed up by the whirlpool and drown. Some try to suppress emotions - that doesn't work, they're still there and as a living entity they are crying to be heard - to indeed be understood by our shallow little brains. They will make themselves known in other ways...anxiety, disease...they will certainly find some way of expression through our body or mind because they are dying to be known. Our little brains cry out that they have too much to think about without including them...but our heart cries out..."Please try to understand me, please find a way to let me express myself. I am real, I am beautiful, and I am deep. I am indeed mostly abstract, but I need to be known. Please don't be lazy brain. Stop being pompous and thinking that you are better than me-we were made to work together. I learn from you, and if you open up to me, I can teach you so much. Life is more than knowing how to control, how to conceptualize. I can show you happiness, passion, and yes pain. But if we work together, we can get through anything. We can be teachers to others by sharing what we have learned from each other. Please please work with me to make this a reality. We are both incredible separately, but together we can create the most beautiful story this life has ever known.

Embracing Flaws

   I watched Wild with a friend today. I watched it because my friend wanted to watch it. I did not have any real interest in it. It's based on a book written by a woman who backpacked the Pacific Crest Trail after getting divorced and wanted to be alone to figure herself out. Her mother had died, she had an abusive father, escaped life by having sex and doing drugs. Then she backpacked the PCT by herself. She was finally forced to look all of her faults, everything that she refused to see and deal with during her regular life. The movie affected me in ways I was not expecting. I am so excited to see society embracing and popularizing people's stories that are not perfect. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one that screws up.
   I feel like so many of us keep striving to be perfect, and are horrified when we fail...again and again. But guess what? We hear this all of the time but never listen: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Ah, you feel better? Let it sink in...really feel what it means. You have no one to compare yourself to, you have no one to tell you (whether overtly, covertly, or you just making it up) that you are doing worse than they are because no one is perfect. We all screw up. We all have baggage that we don't deal with that affects our thoughts and behaviors. The memories that scare us, that we feel control us, our bad choices, what others have done to us...that's all they are...memories. And yet, they can be powerful enough to destroy us. They are also powerful enough to make us thrive. We spend way too much time thinking about what hinders us, and not enough time on our ability to overcome. We CAN grow, heal, love, BE. We have all of the tools to do this within us, and outside of us. Sometimes we are just too scared to access them, or make ourselves believe they do not exist. I believe God puts many resources within our reach. We just have to take the step to accept as well as embrace that we are flawed, and bathe in the fact that redemption happens every single moment. I feel like after watching that movie, I have taken a step to sigh and feel peace with the fact that I am flawed. I am accepting another piece of myself that I have demonized unnecessarily. Doing that makes me see the world differently as well as see myself differently. I already feel less judgmental, and less judged. I also feel more ready to really look at my demons in the face and tell them to get the hell out of my life (pun totally intended). I feel more ready to give myself a little grace when I mess up, and to offer grace when others mess up. I feel all of this without feeling any desire to give up. I will never be perfect, but that's not my goal anymore. My goal is to keep learning, to keep growing, to keep striving toward a better me. Perfection is something we will never achieve, but a better self? That is vague enough that even the smallest change, or growth can achieve such a goal. I want to strive to be a better me, listen to others while they strive to be better thems, and only offer advise when they ask. We are each on completely different journeys, and thank goodness we are all flawed because now we all have something in common.

Living Alone

   As most of you know, I am going through a divorce. You may have noticed that I have not been posting much recently, and mainly it is because I have not felt inspired to post anything. Recently, however, I have come to terms with the fact that I am alone. I am sad, I am grieving, I am bored, and I am most importantly...learning.
   I have never lived completely alone before. I grew up as a twin. We shared a room all of our childhood lives. I then moved into a dorm, with a roommate. Then I kind of house hopped for a while, but I was never completely alone. Therefore, this is a completely new experience for me.
   At first, it was invigorating. I moved into my apartment in June, and I felt like I could do anything! Be anyone! Achieve my dreams! This faded as summer turned into fall, and my heart reminded me that I had indeed lost something substantial. I started to grieve. I did not eat very much, I hardly slept, and I felt lonely. Incredibly lonely. I missed being held. I missed having someone to talk to about my problems and about my life journey. I became depressed. Then, I called my counselor. She has helped me move through the grieving process and help me figure out why I left, and how I can do better in the future. But, with all of that, I still live alone...and I still on occasion feel lonely, depressed, anxious, scared of the future, and most importantly....incredibly bored.
   So, what do I do now that I live alone? Sometimes I giggle at how freeing my boredom is.  I don't have kids. I don't have someone to constantly compare schedules with to see what we are going to do next. This is completely new to me - my unbelievably free schedule that is. I have never had kids, nor do I wish to have any. Therefore, I have been trying out a few things to fill up that time. Of course, my first go to is a book. However, if I am not completely into a book, it is goodbye time suck, and hello boredom. I decided to try something new. I went to the movies by myself for the first time ever and bought myself a popcorn and Reese's pieces and had a lovely time. So lovely, I ended up watching the same movie three times. (Maleficent was the movie, and it took me three times to figure out how to pronounce it correctly). I was at first uncomfortable with the idea of going anywhere alone, but I hung out with some courage then took that step, and it was great. Church has been another issue. When I got divorced, I didn't think about the repercussions of having to divorce the church too. But alas, I am now again churchless, and I have a bit of post traumatic stress about finding a new one. The last one I went to was tumultuous because many families left when my then wife and I chose to worship there, which was hard for me. I'm tired of hiding my being a lesbian, but I could pretend to just be straight, or not mention that I am a lesbian. But I want to be known entirely. I want to be me. I want to be a gay person who worships at a church. Preferably Methodist, since that is my background, but I won't pretend I am traditional in my Christian beliefs. It's always evolving, which is what we are supposed to do: grow, change, exist, share, love, accept, and so on. So, the church finding is on hold.

   Another boredom evader, as well as a little hug to myself I like to do is engage in, is nostalgia. I put my new Christmas Tree up in the middle of November. It was wonderful and very aesthetically pleasing. You better believe I will keep that tree up until Spring. Another nostalgia hug I give myself is to play Pokemon. My Mema gave me my first game boy and Pokemon game when I was in junior high. I loved the concept of the game. I still love it now. I love that the character I play gets to "befriend" these Pokemon, and help them grow by engaging in battles with other "trainers." They are like little pets that you get to travel around with and save the Pokeworld from the antagonistic group who always seems to have the right idea about how the world should work, but goes about it in a destructive way. Me, the trainer, along with other protagonists in the game, get to help these people realize their mistakes, then make the Pokeworld a better place. There is also a thrill of being able to collect gym badges by being able to know my pokemon and their pokemoves and strategically beating the gym leader's pokemon depending on their "type" (fire beats grass, water beats fire, and so on). Sigh, it's wonderful.
   That's really about all I have thought of so far. Being alone leaves a lot of room to think, but also a lot of room to explore. I'm still working on the courage to explore, and finding new ways to do that. But I won't give up. I have learned so much about myself and about the world in my silence, solitude, and boredom evasion. Who knows what I'll find next. All I know is that even though I can't see the path before me, I have faith that it still exists. I just have to keep exploring.