Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Grieve Your Own Way

   Grieving death is a unique experience. Some may eat a galleon of ice cream, drink a bottle of wine, and look at photos of their loved one while crying hysterically. Others may gather together with close friends and family, eat tons of food, listen to beautiful music, and remember the good times. No matter how we grieve, it's important to know that it is never acceptable to shame the way others grieve. We all experience the world differently, even if we are part of the same culture. How we deal with, and process, experiences varies from person to person. And there is nothing wrong with that. 
Death of a loved one causes great sorrow and emotional pain. There is no book titled How To Deal With Death for Dummies; nor is there a Guide to the Rules of Funerals for Idiots. I honestly wish there were, but at the same time, I'm fine with dealing with death and loss my own way. 

David McNeely, Sr., (aka, "Pops") c. 1940

   My grandfather passed away this week. It's interesting to note that I had just gotten done writing a post for Geeks OUT! (the community blog I also write for), about celebrating Madeleine L'Engle's death day. It's called, 9 of Madeleine L'Engle's Lovliest Ladies, and I highlight nine of my favorite female characters, to commemorate the nine years since she passed. Three hours after this piece posted on the site, I was informed that my grandfather had passed away. The beginning of my post highlights how Madeleine L'Engle did not fear death. She embraced it as the next step of her spiritual journey, and I feel the same. Remembering this, although the news of my grandfather's death shook me, her insight anchored me. While I am grieving, I am also recognizing that my grandfather is just going on the next step of his journey, and this brings me comfort and peace.
   I am not unfamiliar with death of loved ones. I have lost my grandmother (who my sister and I lived with for seven years during our childhood, along with my grandfather who just passed). I have also lost my father. I was in college when my grandmother and father passed. The way I dealt with it then, was to throw myself into my studies, pass my mid terms or finals, then take a drive and let myself feel. I would cry, and remember everything they taught me, and how incredible they were. Funerals were a separate issue. Being an introvert - and one that doesn't openly express feelings often - it filled me with anxiety. Especially because I had no clue what to expect, or what to do. I expressed these feelings to a mentor who had come to my grandmother's funeral, and I will never forget what she told me: "Trish, funerals are for the ones who are grieving. You can do whatever you feel is best for you." I cried, and she hugged me. Then I realized that I didn't want to stand in a line waiting for all of the people I kind of knew, as well as didn't know, to shake my hand and not know exactly what to say. I wanted to walk around on my own, accept kind words from the people I knew personally, and hug them in gratitude for their support. 
   We are all unique, and this needs to be lovingly accepted. As a friend, I hope to exhibit this abundantly. Grief is an ebb and flow of sadness, anger, and pain. We will never fully "get over it," and this is totally normal. To experience shame ourselves - or worse, to shame others who still deal with grief years after a loss - is detrimental to mental health. If we feel we cannot overcome the onslaught of emotions we have in connection to a loss, it's totally acceptable to ask for help - whether that be from our friends and family, or professionally. There is no weakness in asking for help. May we remember this, as we all go through our unique experiences, and choose love no matter what. 

Left to right: Me, Pops, Trinity (niece), and Ali (twin sister)



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