For the longest time after my divorce, I found myself feeling so depressed because I lost my "person," the person I depended on for everything. They shared all of my happiness, and all of my struggles. They were gone, and I believed I had no one. This past year however, I have finally accepted that I don't have to have a "person." Instead, I have a slew of beautiful friends, and a supportive; loving family to sustain me when I can't sustain myself. I have learned how fulfilling it is to be there for people, and to accept them being here for me. I finally embraced the beauty that is living in the moment, and letting go of the chains of expectations has freed me. Marriage didn't teach me that, but divorce did.
Marriage is funny. I have had so many conversations with my friends about how no one really prepares us for how hard it is. Nor how fulfilling it has the potential to be. But for it to be fulfilling, it takes so much emotional labor, honest open communication, and compromise. Not only that, but as humans who cannot thrive without community, it takes having a strong support system. Many of us sacrifice this because of our age's dependence on only the nuclear family. We have forgotten the importance of having our tribe. This includes the unfortunate erasure of the fulfillment that is platonic love.
Because of the plethora of movies that romanticize and provide an unrealistic picture that romantic love can fulfill us completely, many of us have lost the ability to connect, be vulnerable with, and holistically love—and be loved by—our friends. Society has a tendency to sexualize any intimate action, whether it's platonic or romantic. Thankfully I have many friends now who will hold my hand, kiss my face, and hold me close just because they care about me. It's beautiful, and hugs my heart in such a deep meaningful way. Because of our mutual love and respect for one another, supporting and encouraging each other becomes as easy, and life giving, as breathing. After I stopped focusing on myself and what I was missing, I found life again serving my loved ones when they needed it, as they did for me.
So many of us are so worried about meeting our own needs, that we rarely find time to look after the needs of others. Don't get me wrong, self love and care are important. We cannot fully love and serve others without loving and serving ourselves. But this is a balance we can learn if find the will to do so. Then when we find it, giving can be as fulfilling as receiving. Instead of a pendulum of give and take, love turns into a beautiful circle of mutual satisfaction. This has the capacity to give us so much life, meaning, and fulfillment—if we let it. Especially if our love is given and received without expectation.
Expectation chains us. Without expectation, there would be no disappointment. However, this is balanced by the importance of respect. Which is then balanced by understanding. When we genuinely love and care for our tribe, we respect that we all have needs that may need to be met outside of ourselves. Because of how life works, we only have a certain time frame or resources to offer, and we offer what we can, when we can. Then if it doesn't work out because life is messy, we all understand. We can then seek what we need elsewhere in the tribe, and this is okay. When we embrace the beauty of vulnerability, we get to give our tribe the opportunity to love us, and fulfill what we need, with whomever is available and has the resources.
Love, in whatever form, is not a transaction. It's a life giving circle of care, respect, appreciation, and acceptance, that can be beautifully mutually beneficial. Sure, we'll all mess up. But that's where forgiveness, compassion, grace, and going with the flow can sustain our relationships. We thrive through our community, however we find it. May we seek out our tribe, and when we find it, embrace the beauty that is the circle of love.
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