Heart and Mind as One

It seems that life is only a big mess of emotions swirling around in the whirlpool of the human experience. Our poor little brains try so hard to make sense of it all, and in the midst of trying to compartmentalize and structure the onslaught of our emotions, the emotion of frustration or guilt erupts into the unending swirl. Pascal said: "the heart has reasons where reason knows nothing." What would happen if we just let our emotions swirl and try to stop understanding them all? I think we would be swallowed up by the whirlpool and drown. Some try to suppress emotions - that doesn't work, they're still there and as a living entity they are crying to be heard - to indeed be understood by our shallow little brains. They will make themselves known in other ways...anxiety, disease...they will certainly find some way of expression through our body or mind because they are dying to be known. Our little brains cry out that they have too much to think about without including them...but our heart cries out..."Please try to understand me, please find a way to let me express myself. I am real, I am beautiful, and I am deep. I am indeed mostly abstract, but I need to be known. Please don't be lazy brain. Stop being pompous and thinking that you are better than me-we were made to work together. I learn from you, and if you open up to me, I can teach you so much. Life is more than knowing how to control, how to conceptualize. I can show you happiness, passion, and yes pain. But if we work together, we can get through anything. We can be teachers to others by sharing what we have learned from each other. Please please work with me to make this a reality. We are both incredible separately, but together we can create the most beautiful story this life has ever known.

Embracing Flaws

   I watched Wild with a friend today. I watched it because my friend wanted to watch it. I did not have any real interest in it. It's based on a book written by a woman who backpacked the Pacific Crest Trail after getting divorced and wanted to be alone to figure herself out. Her mother had died, she had an abusive father, escaped life by having sex and doing drugs. Then she backpacked the PCT by herself. She was finally forced to look all of her faults, everything that she refused to see and deal with during her regular life. The movie affected me in ways I was not expecting. I am so excited to see society embracing and popularizing people's stories that are not perfect. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one that screws up.
   I feel like so many of us keep striving to be perfect, and are horrified when we fail...again and again. But guess what? We hear this all of the time but never listen: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Ah, you feel better? Let it sink in...really feel what it means. You have no one to compare yourself to, you have no one to tell you (whether overtly, covertly, or you just making it up) that you are doing worse than they are because no one is perfect. We all screw up. We all have baggage that we don't deal with that affects our thoughts and behaviors. The memories that scare us, that we feel control us, our bad choices, what others have done to us...that's all they are...memories. And yet, they can be powerful enough to destroy us. They are also powerful enough to make us thrive. We spend way too much time thinking about what hinders us, and not enough time on our ability to overcome. We CAN grow, heal, love, BE. We have all of the tools to do this within us, and outside of us. Sometimes we are just too scared to access them, or make ourselves believe they do not exist. I believe God puts many resources within our reach. We just have to take the step to accept as well as embrace that we are flawed, and bathe in the fact that redemption happens every single moment. I feel like after watching that movie, I have taken a step to sigh and feel peace with the fact that I am flawed. I am accepting another piece of myself that I have demonized unnecessarily. Doing that makes me see the world differently as well as see myself differently. I already feel less judgmental, and less judged. I also feel more ready to really look at my demons in the face and tell them to get the hell out of my life (pun totally intended). I feel more ready to give myself a little grace when I mess up, and to offer grace when others mess up. I feel all of this without feeling any desire to give up. I will never be perfect, but that's not my goal anymore. My goal is to keep learning, to keep growing, to keep striving toward a better me. Perfection is something we will never achieve, but a better self? That is vague enough that even the smallest change, or growth can achieve such a goal. I want to strive to be a better me, listen to others while they strive to be better thems, and only offer advise when they ask. We are each on completely different journeys, and thank goodness we are all flawed because now we all have something in common.

Living Alone

   As most of you know, I am going through a divorce. You may have noticed that I have not been posting much recently, and mainly it is because I have not felt inspired to post anything. Recently, however, I have come to terms with the fact that I am alone. I am sad, I am grieving, I am bored, and I am most importantly...learning.
   I have never lived completely alone before. I grew up as a twin. We shared a room all of our childhood lives. I then moved into a dorm, with a roommate. Then I kind of house hopped for a while, but I was never completely alone. Therefore, this is a completely new experience for me.
   At first, it was invigorating. I moved into my apartment in June, and I felt like I could do anything! Be anyone! Achieve my dreams! This faded as summer turned into fall, and my heart reminded me that I had indeed lost something substantial. I started to grieve. I did not eat very much, I hardly slept, and I felt lonely. Incredibly lonely. I missed being held. I missed having someone to talk to about my problems and about my life journey. I became depressed. Then, I called my counselor. She has helped me move through the grieving process and help me figure out why I left, and how I can do better in the future. But, with all of that, I still live alone...and I still on occasion feel lonely, depressed, anxious, scared of the future, and most importantly....incredibly bored.
   So, what do I do now that I live alone? Sometimes I giggle at how freeing my boredom is.  I don't have kids. I don't have someone to constantly compare schedules with to see what we are going to do next. This is completely new to me - my unbelievably free schedule that is. I have never had kids, nor do I wish to have any. Therefore, I have been trying out a few things to fill up that time. Of course, my first go to is a book. However, if I am not completely into a book, it is goodbye time suck, and hello boredom. I decided to try something new. I went to the movies by myself for the first time ever and bought myself a popcorn and Reese's pieces and had a lovely time. So lovely, I ended up watching the same movie three times. (Maleficent was the movie, and it took me three times to figure out how to pronounce it correctly). I was at first uncomfortable with the idea of going anywhere alone, but I hung out with some courage then took that step, and it was great. Church has been another issue. When I got divorced, I didn't think about the repercussions of having to divorce the church too. But alas, I am now again churchless, and I have a bit of post traumatic stress about finding a new one. The last one I went to was tumultuous because many families left when my then wife and I chose to worship there, which was hard for me. I'm tired of hiding my being a lesbian, but I could pretend to just be straight, or not mention that I am a lesbian. But I want to be known entirely. I want to be me. I want to be a gay person who worships at a church. Preferably Methodist, since that is my background, but I won't pretend I am traditional in my Christian beliefs. It's always evolving, which is what we are supposed to do: grow, change, exist, share, love, accept, and so on. So, the church finding is on hold.

   Another boredom evader, as well as a little hug to myself I like to do is engage in, is nostalgia. I put my new Christmas Tree up in the middle of November. It was wonderful and very aesthetically pleasing. You better believe I will keep that tree up until Spring. Another nostalgia hug I give myself is to play Pokemon. My Mema gave me my first game boy and Pokemon game when I was in junior high. I loved the concept of the game. I still love it now. I love that the character I play gets to "befriend" these Pokemon, and help them grow by engaging in battles with other "trainers." They are like little pets that you get to travel around with and save the Pokeworld from the antagonistic group who always seems to have the right idea about how the world should work, but goes about it in a destructive way. Me, the trainer, along with other protagonists in the game, get to help these people realize their mistakes, then make the Pokeworld a better place. There is also a thrill of being able to collect gym badges by being able to know my pokemon and their pokemoves and strategically beating the gym leader's pokemon depending on their "type" (fire beats grass, water beats fire, and so on). Sigh, it's wonderful.
   That's really about all I have thought of so far. Being alone leaves a lot of room to think, but also a lot of room to explore. I'm still working on the courage to explore, and finding new ways to do that. But I won't give up. I have learned so much about myself and about the world in my silence, solitude, and boredom evasion. Who knows what I'll find next. All I know is that even though I can't see the path before me, I have faith that it still exists. I just have to keep exploring.  

Give Up Power, Gain Perspective

   Power lies at the crux of evil. Striving for power has been an endless game of humanity, and fear is it's opposite and equal force. Why does one have to fight to be right? Is it not power over another individual? Do the "right" not see the fear their new power inflict on the "wrong?"  One gets an emotional high of being right, of knowing the "right" answer, of proving someone wrong. This seeps into society and creates a gap between the intelligent, and the unintelligent, gay and straight, women and men. Which seeps back into individuals creating a gap between sister and brother, wife and husband, teacher and student. Once someone becomes "right" and the other becomes "wrong" love cannot exist between the two individuals. What someone had to offer the other is now gone and void. Humanity is constantly searching for "the answer." People search for these "answers" in religion, politics, science, literature, music, etc. Once we seem to find an answer, we want to share this answer with others, but then comes the temptation to be "right," and instead of listening openly to the others perspective, we disregard it totally, or argue they are wrong and then at best pity and avoid them, and at worst act violently toward them. Every civil rights issue has gone down this route. Can you not see it? Some argue that society will be damned if it keeps accepting diversity. I cannot imagine a world where people meet others of different backgrounds, race, sexuality, religion, and when accepted as they are, they do anything but create harmony, peace, and may even learn a thing or two.
   With this being said, obviously the right for LGBT's to marry is the hottest topic on the civil rights table that dominated the 1900's and seeped into the new millennium. What else have we wanted that other civil rights fighters have wanted but to be treated the same as the majority? To enjoy the same rights, benefits, and freedoms as our peers, as our sisters and brothers, as our parents? Why do those who seek to be "right" and reign over us try to negate us of this? What and who are we harming by yearning for these same freedoms? I just got done watching Iron Jawed Angels for the 10th time. This movie depicts the Women's Suffrage Movement in America that gave woman the right to vote. Alice Paul's speech in the jail that she was unjustly held at always tugs my heart. A psychiatrist asked her why she was there, and why she was choosing to engage in a hunger strike to prove her point that women should have the right to vote. This was her answer:

"You asked me to explain myself. I just wonder what needs to be explained. Let me be very clear. Look into your own heart. I swear to you, mine's no different. You want a place in the trades and professions where you can earn your bread? So do I. You want some means of self expression? Some way of satisfying your own personal ambitions? So do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live? So do I. What is there to explain? "

If I were as brave as Alice Paul, and I assure you that I am not, I would offer a similar speech:

"You want me to explain myself. If you look deep into your heart, the center of your being, I promise mine would be the same. You want to experience life with the person you love? So do I. You want to be able to visit your spouse in the hospital and hold their hand while they are afraid? So do I. You want to be able to have the security of knowing that your spouse will be taken care of after you have left this world? So do I. What is there to explain?"

So, I ask you what is better: Power, or Relationship, Hate or Love, War or Peace? You decide.

Destroying the Illusion of Being Unlovable

   After I started going through a divorce a few months ago, I found myself living completely alone for the first time in my life. During this transition, I also found myself fighting the ability to finally be introspective without shaping myself up to an outside standard. I felt utterly lost. I found myself thinking why do I always end up single, usually because of my choice to quit a relationship. I then heard the lie I had believed most of my life: because I am unlovable. I convince myself of this so much that I turn my partner's words and actions, or inaction into a personal offense. I believe they cannot love me, and I quit. Until this point, I have mainly shaped my value and my worth on what people thought about me, my achievements, and religion. I think this is what many go through during their personal growth. However, when it comes to being gay and growing up as Christians in the Bible Belt, I think many of us also go through the muck and mire of drifting through the dark swamp that is the lie that we are unlovable because we cannot get rid of this SIN. This happens when our attraction, our longing to be loved, our longing to love someone in return romantically, physically, holistically; and all of these feelings that straight people also go through during the throes of  adolescence gets pasted with that word: SIN. We stumble through this dark desolate swamp beating ourselves with Bible verses that we have found ourselves, or our loved ones have handed to us with their good intentions that we all know the path it can lead to. Our wounds fester because we are stuck in this mire, and finally, after years of  trying to "give it to God," "pray away the gay," and to get rid of this SIN that seems to completely dominate our lives, we believe we will never get out. When we are stuck here, fighting our longing for love, we find ourselves believing we are indeed unlovable. Our insides crumble, some even get sick because we are constantly fighting ourselves, so our body follows suit and attacks itself. Some choose to attack themselves physically with cutting, or in my case in high school to stop eating, just in effort to know that we can control SOMETHING if not our will to love and be attracted to the people we are "supposed to love." 

   I will never forget when a little sunshine first appeared in my own swamp. A friend of mine introduced me to someone who told me what would be my first glimpse of hope: I could be gay AND be a Christian. Before I heard this glimmer of hope, I had tried to live life as being gay and not being a Christian since I could not believe blending them was possible. I was still in the same swamp, just more alone. I also lacked the beauty, comfort, and peace that comes with spirituality, and being connected to the divine. It took someone from the outside telling me I could indeed be both to even believe it could have the potential of being possible. I clung onto it like a rope that guided me through this darkness, but it was still in the muck. I did not know where it led, but at least it was a start. Slowly and surely, I met more people with this belief. I am completely convinced God brought people into my path to love me back to a place where I could reach enough sunshine to grow, heal, and begin to love again. I have been offered enough love through others to get me to a place where I think God is leading me to finally learn how to love myself without depending solely on others and outside sources. This is a scary place for me, but a necessary one if I am to ever be able to fully love myself and others as God has called me. 

   There are many ways others can help LGBT Christians begin this journey. If you are straight, and you know someone who is gay, or even if you don't, figure out what you believe. Whatever the outcome, if you know someone who is gay, let them know that you care about them, that they are indeed lovable, that God loves them no matter what, and that they matter to you. LGBT Christians are usually scared to reach out, so please, give them that hope. If you are LGBT and a Christian, share your story. We need to hear that there are MANY of us who have found a way to bridge the gap of being gay and a Christian. We need to hear that we are not alone in our struggle to find a way to love ourselves JUST AS WE ARE, because our Creator certainly does.

The Dichotomy of Love

I am convinced that the beauty of love is in the dichotomy of selfishness and selflessness. Sometimes we get too caught up in the guilt that seeps into us when we are focusing on being selfless with our love. Guilt is a poison that attacks our ability to love fully which can be seen as an exchange - no, a mutually existing flow of giving and receiving. Love should flow in and out of our hearts to the people we are blessed to care for. Guilt makes our love one sided. We live in a world of commerce - we pay something and EXPECT something in return. We end up adopting this lens when we love. Sometimes we even find ourselves keeping tabs on who has loved us well so we can "return favors." Christianity teaches us to die to ourselves and give without expecting anything in return so when we are given a gift out of love, no matter the form: words of encouragement, money, acts of service, etc., we feel guilty because our selflessness makes us forget how to receive love.The guilt becomes a dam and we are left feeling empty. We feel empty because this dam makes us send acts of love out of guilt instead of the mutual gentle flow of receiving, giving, and accepting. What we may forget is that when the flow of love is not hindered by the dam of guilt, the people we love receive a gift of love as soon as we gratefully ACCEPT their love gift. That is what I mean by the mutual flow. Imagine love as a circular flow of water from one human being to another. Imagine the act of love is flowing from one person's heart to the other. Then the person sees that love gift and takes that flow into their own heart. As the heart is nourished and replenished by the love water flow, the gratefulness they experience flows back to the other persons heart replenishing them. Both hearts are then mutually loved, and replenished. The selfishness and selflessness happens at the same time when love is given, received, and appreciated. That is the beauty of the dichotomy of love. It is the most selfish and selfless act we can create. Let's love unhindered by the guilt dam and embrace the freedom we experience when we love this way.

Remembering our Freedom

Freedom. Freedom is something we seldom think about, and something we sometimes feel is as allusive as water running through our fingers when trying to grasp it. We distract ourselves so often with worries about our future and guilt about our past that we forget how much power we have inside of ourselves to change, to grow, and to fully exist. Madeline L’Engle described freedom as a Sonnet. God gave us the structure (what we commonly call “God’s Will”), but he left it up to us to fill in the words. We have the power to write our life verses, but so often we let others write it for us because of our insecurity. We let media, institutions, the government, and other people’s opinion of us, tell us what is right or wrong, what is good or bad, and we adjust accordingly. We do this so often that we throw ourselves into a cycle of what we assume are circumstances beyond our control. We are the authors of our story. The people who float into and out of our lives are our teachers, support systems, or challenges to make us stronger. They are not meant to be the authors of our stories, and only WE give them the power to write our stories for us. God lives inside of and outside of every one of us. God’s love is the source of the energy that is permanently available. It is found in every beautiful entity that God created, including YOU. Let’s tap into this energy and remind ourselves of the freedom it gives us, write our own stories, and encourage others to do the same.