Lesbian Bible Study: God Still Loves You

1 John 3:19-23: "This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask, because we keep his commands and do what pleases him. And this is his command: to believe in the name of his Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as he commanded us."

Oh how often we have condemned ourselves! How long did we (do we) tell ourselves that we can never be loved by God because we cannot be attracted to the opposite sex like we are "supposed to!" Oh we have tried, we have dated, we have tried to pray the gay away, but there it is...always reminding us that we are not worthy of God's love. But my friends, we are indeed welcomed into God's loving arms because we are certainly his beloved children. We are not asked to be straight in this verse (and MANY other verses) but we are called to LOVE one another. Jesus also calls us to LOVE ourselves in the verse 1 John is referring to: "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul, and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.' " (Matthew 22:37-40, emphasis added). We must learn how to love ourselves again so we can freely love others. The cycle is this: God loves us, so we are free to love ourselves, so that we can love others. (1 John 4:19: "We love because he first loved us.") If we cannot trust our own love for ourselves, let us relearn to trust that God loves us. In trusting God's love, let us remember how to love ourselves, so we can complete the cycle and freely love others. You are not alone in this journey. There are many who are trying to embrace themselves as Lesbians and Christians, and many who are fighting for a world that will accept us happily in church. Until that world is realized, be comforted that God loves you and is always with you.

Social Media Wars and a Call to #sharethelove

This just in: A Social Media War has been waged against #onemanonewoman and #lovewins people. The Champion in #onemanonewoman's corner is "GOD", while "LGBT" is in #lovewins corner. The rainbow flag is flying around LGBT's shoulders, while #onemanonewoman clutches The Holy Bible to it's chest. Both faces are set in rage, and both feel that they have something to fight to the death for. And here I am: an LGBT who loves God. I am looking at the two of them with confusion, and a deep sense of sadness. It seems my friends are "deleting" each other left and right (no political pun intended), and pasting this brand on each others character due to their claim to a mushed up phrase following a pound/number/hash "#" symbol. When did Facebook, which started as a site to share fun/learning/exciting experiences with your friends and family turn into a platform of belief systems and political opinions? Have we really thrown privacy aside so much that we share these things at the expense of lifelong/decade long/brand new friendships? Furthermore, are we people who find one thing, ONE THING, that is different than our personal views and deem the other party unworthy of us and our friendship? I want to clear the air personally right now and say that I do not. I see friends from both hashtag corners spouting off their beliefs and their righteous anger and hug them in my heart. I recognize that people are being hurt, it seems, on both sides of this topic and I want to scream from the rooftops that you are loveable no matter what you believe. Because the truth of the matter is this: your belief about this topic is only a milifraction (yes, I made that up) of who you are. Of what makes you, you. For people in God's corner, God made us ALL in God's image so we could be LOVED by our creator. People in LGBT's corner, we are finally being recognized as people who can LOVE our partners romantically and share the benefits as our heterosexual brothers and sisters. Love is the key here. Let us continue to share the love that flows through us whether it is through God or through the love that is poured into us by our partners, friends, and family. Let's stop the hate, and #sharethelove

Claim Strength and Dignity

Proverbs 31:25: "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come." NRSV

I've been thinking a lot about the value of dignity recently. Many LGBTQ's face discrimination that cultivate a deep sense of feeling like their dignity is stolen by conservative political and Christian thinking that to be anything but "straight" is somehow wrong or immoral. However, while we wait for the rest of the world to catch up, I want to encourage us to claim our OWN dignity. Our dignity can be stolen only if we let go of it. Outside thinking can stay on the outside if we hang onto and remember our invaluable worth that God bestows on us at the moment of our creation. Never let it go friends. There are plenty out there fighting for us, believing in us, loving us for who we ARE. Let's focus on that today, and never let go of our dignity.

Love always,
The Bible Belt Wearing Lesbian

"Any man that tries to rob me of my dignity will lose." -Nelson Mandela

Heart and Mind as One

It seems that life is only a big mess of emotions swirling around in the whirlpool of the human experience. Our poor little brains try so hard to make sense of it all, and in the midst of trying to compartmentalize and structure the onslaught of our emotions, the emotion of frustration or guilt erupts into the unending swirl. Pascal said: "the heart has reasons where reason knows nothing." What would happen if we just let our emotions swirl and try to stop understanding them all? I think we would be swallowed up by the whirlpool and drown. Some try to suppress emotions - that doesn't work, they're still there and as a living entity they are crying to be heard - to indeed be understood by our shallow little brains. They will make themselves known in other ways...anxiety, disease...they will certainly find some way of expression through our body or mind because they are dying to be known. Our little brains cry out that they have too much to think about without including them...but our heart cries out..."Please try to understand me, please find a way to let me express myself. I am real, I am beautiful, and I am deep. I am indeed mostly abstract, but I need to be known. Please don't be lazy brain. Stop being pompous and thinking that you are better than me-we were made to work together. I learn from you, and if you open up to me, I can teach you so much. Life is more than knowing how to control, how to conceptualize. I can show you happiness, passion, and yes pain. But if we work together, we can get through anything. We can be teachers to others by sharing what we have learned from each other. Please please work with me to make this a reality. We are both incredible separately, but together we can create the most beautiful story this life has ever known.

Embracing Flaws

   I watched Wild with a friend today. I watched it because my friend wanted to watch it. I did not have any real interest in it. It's based on a book written by a woman who backpacked the Pacific Crest Trail after getting divorced and wanted to be alone to figure herself out. Her mother had died, she had an abusive father, escaped life by having sex and doing drugs. Then she backpacked the PCT by herself. She was finally forced to look all of her faults, everything that she refused to see and deal with during her regular life. The movie affected me in ways I was not expecting. I am so excited to see society embracing and popularizing people's stories that are not perfect. It makes me feel like I'm not the only one that screws up.
   I feel like so many of us keep striving to be perfect, and are horrified when we fail...again and again. But guess what? We hear this all of the time but never listen: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Ah, you feel better? Let it sink in...really feel what it means. You have no one to compare yourself to, you have no one to tell you (whether overtly, covertly, or you just making it up) that you are doing worse than they are because no one is perfect. We all screw up. We all have baggage that we don't deal with that affects our thoughts and behaviors. The memories that scare us, that we feel control us, our bad choices, what others have done to us...that's all they are...memories. And yet, they can be powerful enough to destroy us. They are also powerful enough to make us thrive. We spend way too much time thinking about what hinders us, and not enough time on our ability to overcome. We CAN grow, heal, love, BE. We have all of the tools to do this within us, and outside of us. Sometimes we are just too scared to access them, or make ourselves believe they do not exist. I believe God puts many resources within our reach. We just have to take the step to accept as well as embrace that we are flawed, and bathe in the fact that redemption happens every single moment. I feel like after watching that movie, I have taken a step to sigh and feel peace with the fact that I am flawed. I am accepting another piece of myself that I have demonized unnecessarily. Doing that makes me see the world differently as well as see myself differently. I already feel less judgmental, and less judged. I also feel more ready to really look at my demons in the face and tell them to get the hell out of my life (pun totally intended). I feel more ready to give myself a little grace when I mess up, and to offer grace when others mess up. I feel all of this without feeling any desire to give up. I will never be perfect, but that's not my goal anymore. My goal is to keep learning, to keep growing, to keep striving toward a better me. Perfection is something we will never achieve, but a better self? That is vague enough that even the smallest change, or growth can achieve such a goal. I want to strive to be a better me, listen to others while they strive to be better thems, and only offer advise when they ask. We are each on completely different journeys, and thank goodness we are all flawed because now we all have something in common.

Living Alone

   As most of you know, I am going through a divorce. You may have noticed that I have not been posting much recently, and mainly it is because I have not felt inspired to post anything. Recently, however, I have come to terms with the fact that I am alone. I am sad, I am grieving, I am bored, and I am most importantly...learning.
   I have never lived completely alone before. I grew up as a twin. We shared a room all of our childhood lives. I then moved into a dorm, with a roommate. Then I kind of house hopped for a while, but I was never completely alone. Therefore, this is a completely new experience for me.
   At first, it was invigorating. I moved into my apartment in June, and I felt like I could do anything! Be anyone! Achieve my dreams! This faded as summer turned into fall, and my heart reminded me that I had indeed lost something substantial. I started to grieve. I did not eat very much, I hardly slept, and I felt lonely. Incredibly lonely. I missed being held. I missed having someone to talk to about my problems and about my life journey. I became depressed. Then, I called my counselor. She has helped me move through the grieving process and help me figure out why I left, and how I can do better in the future. But, with all of that, I still live alone...and I still on occasion feel lonely, depressed, anxious, scared of the future, and most importantly....incredibly bored.
   So, what do I do now that I live alone? Sometimes I giggle at how freeing my boredom is.  I don't have kids. I don't have someone to constantly compare schedules with to see what we are going to do next. This is completely new to me - my unbelievably free schedule that is. I have never had kids, nor do I wish to have any. Therefore, I have been trying out a few things to fill up that time. Of course, my first go to is a book. However, if I am not completely into a book, it is goodbye time suck, and hello boredom. I decided to try something new. I went to the movies by myself for the first time ever and bought myself a popcorn and Reese's pieces and had a lovely time. So lovely, I ended up watching the same movie three times. (Maleficent was the movie, and it took me three times to figure out how to pronounce it correctly). I was at first uncomfortable with the idea of going anywhere alone, but I hung out with some courage then took that step, and it was great. Church has been another issue. When I got divorced, I didn't think about the repercussions of having to divorce the church too. But alas, I am now again churchless, and I have a bit of post traumatic stress about finding a new one. The last one I went to was tumultuous because many families left when my then wife and I chose to worship there, which was hard for me. I'm tired of hiding my being a lesbian, but I could pretend to just be straight, or not mention that I am a lesbian. But I want to be known entirely. I want to be me. I want to be a gay person who worships at a church. Preferably Methodist, since that is my background, but I won't pretend I am traditional in my Christian beliefs. It's always evolving, which is what we are supposed to do: grow, change, exist, share, love, accept, and so on. So, the church finding is on hold.

   Another boredom evader, as well as a little hug to myself I like to do is engage in, is nostalgia. I put my new Christmas Tree up in the middle of November. It was wonderful and very aesthetically pleasing. You better believe I will keep that tree up until Spring. Another nostalgia hug I give myself is to play Pokemon. My Mema gave me my first game boy and Pokemon game when I was in junior high. I loved the concept of the game. I still love it now. I love that the character I play gets to "befriend" these Pokemon, and help them grow by engaging in battles with other "trainers." They are like little pets that you get to travel around with and save the Pokeworld from the antagonistic group who always seems to have the right idea about how the world should work, but goes about it in a destructive way. Me, the trainer, along with other protagonists in the game, get to help these people realize their mistakes, then make the Pokeworld a better place. There is also a thrill of being able to collect gym badges by being able to know my pokemon and their pokemoves and strategically beating the gym leader's pokemon depending on their "type" (fire beats grass, water beats fire, and so on). Sigh, it's wonderful.
   That's really about all I have thought of so far. Being alone leaves a lot of room to think, but also a lot of room to explore. I'm still working on the courage to explore, and finding new ways to do that. But I won't give up. I have learned so much about myself and about the world in my silence, solitude, and boredom evasion. Who knows what I'll find next. All I know is that even though I can't see the path before me, I have faith that it still exists. I just have to keep exploring.  

Give Up Power, Gain Perspective

   Power lies at the crux of evil. Striving for power has been an endless game of humanity, and fear is it's opposite and equal force. Why does one have to fight to be right? Is it not power over another individual? Do the "right" not see the fear their new power inflict on the "wrong?"  One gets an emotional high of being right, of knowing the "right" answer, of proving someone wrong. This seeps into society and creates a gap between the intelligent, and the unintelligent, gay and straight, women and men. Which seeps back into individuals creating a gap between sister and brother, wife and husband, teacher and student. Once someone becomes "right" and the other becomes "wrong" love cannot exist between the two individuals. What someone had to offer the other is now gone and void. Humanity is constantly searching for "the answer." People search for these "answers" in religion, politics, science, literature, music, etc. Once we seem to find an answer, we want to share this answer with others, but then comes the temptation to be "right," and instead of listening openly to the others perspective, we disregard it totally, or argue they are wrong and then at best pity and avoid them, and at worst act violently toward them. Every civil rights issue has gone down this route. Can you not see it? Some argue that society will be damned if it keeps accepting diversity. I cannot imagine a world where people meet others of different backgrounds, race, sexuality, religion, and when accepted as they are, they do anything but create harmony, peace, and may even learn a thing or two.
   With this being said, obviously the right for LGBT's to marry is the hottest topic on the civil rights table that dominated the 1900's and seeped into the new millennium. What else have we wanted that other civil rights fighters have wanted but to be treated the same as the majority? To enjoy the same rights, benefits, and freedoms as our peers, as our sisters and brothers, as our parents? Why do those who seek to be "right" and reign over us try to negate us of this? What and who are we harming by yearning for these same freedoms? I just got done watching Iron Jawed Angels for the 10th time. This movie depicts the Women's Suffrage Movement in America that gave woman the right to vote. Alice Paul's speech in the jail that she was unjustly held at always tugs my heart. A psychiatrist asked her why she was there, and why she was choosing to engage in a hunger strike to prove her point that women should have the right to vote. This was her answer:

"You asked me to explain myself. I just wonder what needs to be explained. Let me be very clear. Look into your own heart. I swear to you, mine's no different. You want a place in the trades and professions where you can earn your bread? So do I. You want some means of self expression? Some way of satisfying your own personal ambitions? So do I. You want a voice in the government in which you live? So do I. What is there to explain? "

If I were as brave as Alice Paul, and I assure you that I am not, I would offer a similar speech:

"You want me to explain myself. If you look deep into your heart, the center of your being, I promise mine would be the same. You want to experience life with the person you love? So do I. You want to be able to visit your spouse in the hospital and hold their hand while they are afraid? So do I. You want to be able to have the security of knowing that your spouse will be taken care of after you have left this world? So do I. What is there to explain?"

So, I ask you what is better: Power, or Relationship, Hate or Love, War or Peace? You decide.