Reflecting on this popular lesbian stereotype, it can make sense why lesbians would try to fit into a male/female role. Before lesbian women had as big a subculture as they do today, they were forced into the closet by their society and community. The only reflections of a romantic relationship they had were their parents, and media that modeled the traditional family. Maybe having a "man" and a "woman" roll in a lesbian relationship made them feel more "normal."
As for roles in my marriage, my wife mows the lawn, (I have only mowed the lawn once...okay only part of it, for a birthday present) but she cooks most of our meals. I usually do the laundry, but I kill all the creepy crawlies that invade our home. (If they are outside, they are safe. We actually had a spider next to our front door who lived there the whole summer. We named him Tobias, and he was our Gatekeeper...) My wife changes the oil in our cars, and has a shop in our garage where she builds and repairs objects for our home. She also cleans the bathrooms and puts our laundry away. I vacuum and sweep the floors, but I take out the trash and recycling. Our male/female roles are pretty mixed, but no matter what roles we play, we are always a team.
In all relationships today, I am convinced a growing number of people are feeling less pressure to fit into these male/female roles in homosexual as well as heterosexual relationships. It has certainly not disappeared, but I can sense that pressure is slipping into the minority. I hear more stories of stay at home dads, women who "bring home the bacon," and chores being split more evenly. I think this shift in thinking has occurred partly due to the fact there are more who embrace our country's increasing diversity, especially young people. Also, the media is embracing diversity and showing models of families that reflect better what America's families look like today. Allowing ourselves to follow this shift of embracing diversity can free us from trying to be someone we are not thereby allowing us to accept and love ourselves. When we can accept and love ourselves, I think we can accept and love others better. (Love your neighbor as yourself hmm...) Of course, the other side of this golden rule, the more cliche side, is also important and beautiful (Love your neighbor as yourself). Even so, while I have embraced my own diversity, I still have lingering fears of being in a homosexual marriage in the Bible Belt.
My fears about marrying my wife in the Bible Belt were many. I thought my family would never talk to me again, I thought we would never be accepted in a church, I thought we would be stared at, scoffed at, and spit at in public. I am still hesitant to hold my wife's hand in public, even in a dark movie theater! In reality, however, we have never been physically or verbally abused. Everyone in my family who has met my wife, even if they don't agree with our marriage, has accepted her. Many have told me how great they think she is. We recently went to my family reunion together. Everyone was very pleasant and seemed very excited to meet her. This was very healing for my heart and a big step for me in the coming out process. Church has been a bit more difficult, but we have tons of support.
We have been going to a Methodist church here for almost a year. This church reminded me of my home church I attended during childhood. The nostalgia surrounding the traditional worship service helped me open my heart so I could experience God again. A few weeks after we started to attend regularly, the Pastor informed us that while he was very happy we chose to worship there, there were some in the congregation who were having a hard time adjusting to our presence. Despite this, we kept going. No one confronted us, or asked us to leave. People went out of their way to shake our hands during the greet your neighbor part of the service. I recently became a member, and to make a long story short (I plan on sharing details of this story later) about 6 people left the church because of my joining. My heart was broken for the people that left, and for the reminder that I was not "normal."
I find myself struggling with this desire still. I feel that some view mine and my wife's marriage as not quite real, or that we are playing some game and we aren't "really married." Getting married was a hassle in and of itself (I plan to share details of this later as well.). I always start our marriage story as "It was the best and worst day of my life." We have a marriage certificate from the District of Columbia. However, I cannot receive insurance benefits from my wife's job, and we had to buy documents that would insure if one of us passed away, the other would get the property, and money we acquired while building our lives together. We also keep a shrunken copy of our marriage certificate in our wallets just in case one of us gets hurt enough to put us in the hospital so we will be allowed to visit each other. Sigh, the thought of being denied to see my wife if she is hurt terrifies me. Most of my fears, however, have not come true, and I am so happy God blessed me with people to usher my way into an acceptance of myself as a Lesbian and a Christian. I have finally found my place in this world: in the arms of my loving wife, and my loving God.
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| Back Yard Birthday present! |
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| Tobias the Gatekeeper! |
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