4. Evolution of the Bible: It Gets Personal

My beautiful grandmother (Memaw) gave me a blue leather Bible for my 16th birthday. She even had my full name engraved on it (we share a middle name which I now take great pride in). She and my grandfather (Pops) took care of my sister and I after the State we lived in decided my adoring and loving Mother was unfit to do so because she was forced to live with the label of Bipolar Disorder. Memaw was the reason my sister and I went to Church each Sunday, and the Bible she gave me became my daily companion. This Bible became my love letter from God as well as the buoy I clung to during the torrents and floods of High School angst.
   I am constantly amazed at how powerful emotions are in high school. I can't imagine how I could have coped without the support of my Youth Group. I was blessed by so many Mentors, and they helped shape my view of the Bible. They taught me that I was a Princess of God, and He was my King and Heavenly Father. The Father image was hard for me to picture. My stepfather had sexually abused me. My biological father loved me and my sister very much, but he had a hard time expressing any emotions. He was Schizophrenic and took antipsychotics that dulled all of his emotions and experiences. He and my Mother never married but stayed the best of friends. He never lived with us growing up, so my relationship with him was warm but distant. We both knew we loved each other, but we were both unsure about the how part. I would have liked to try harder after high school to deepen our relationship. However, he passed away when I was in college, while I was too busy with school and trying to sort out my own emotions about who I really was. The yearning for a father was deep in high school though, so I tried hard to experience God as a loving Father. My mentors pointed to many verses that taught me what God as Father looked like, and eventually I was comforted by these when the strong grips of bitterness, hate, and anger for my stepfather arose. I often felt on the edge of darkness when memories of him surprised me during the days and nights after I told my Youth Leader what happened. That Youth Leader encouraged me to keep a journal, and she gave me a yellow bracelet to remind me of Psalm 46:10a: "Be still and know that I am God." She taught me that God is always there for me, I needed only to be still. When she had to move to a country on the opposite side of the world, I was devastated. At this point, she was the only one who knew. She encouraged me to tell one of the other Youth Leaders, and I did. Before she left she gave me her e-mail address and said that she would be back in 18 months. She left before I had my Fast and the Furious gay epiphany. When she come back to the States I got to hang out with her for a few hours. I had by then had my epiphany. Sadly, the only thing I distinctly remember about our conversation was her asking me, "I mean, you're not gay or anything right?" and me responding after a second of freaking out inside, "no of course not."

-Let me take a quick break here. There are some who believe that there is a causal relationship between sexual abuse and homosexuality. To give a little perspective, about 1 in 3 women are sexually abused. About 1 in 100 women are homosexual. I personally do not think my sexual abuse played a big roll, if any, in my being homosexual. Thank you for your time, moving on! :) -

After this horrifying incident, I promised myself I would never tell anyone about my attraction to the same sex. Despite this, my faith grew, and the Bible became a book of comfort, and encouragement. I also used the Bible as a refuge and a way to grow closer to my Heavenly Father.
   The next Youth Leader I told about my stepfather lead me to verses that helped me forgive him so I could open up my heart to accept more of God's ever present love. Forgiving him was not easy, but she lovingly encouraged me one day to just say it out loud. She promised it would get easier. I grudgingly said "I forgive you" after about 30 minutes of battling in my heart and mind. The relief was such a shock. I felt a flood of freedom and I am almost certain I could feel my Heavenly Father rejoicing. The forgiveness road was hard, and I turned around frequently toward the dark desert of unforgiveness where bitterness, anger, and sadness lived. When this happened, God through my Youth Leader and my Bible, loved me and encouraged me to forgive again, and I would face the Orchard of Forgiveness where joy, peace, and freedom could be found. Only there could my heart mimic the fertile ground so God could plant his love to grow in order to share his Love Fruit with others. The road was hard, but undeniably worth the struggle. Best of all, I was never alone.