Monday, December 12, 2016

So, You Think You Can Save Me?

Hey, come here, have a seat. I would like to have a conversation with you. My name is Trish. I'm a lesbian. I was also a Christian, but now I think of myself more as a Universalist. Church has become a place I fear. Why?

Here's my story.

In fifth grade, I held hands with a girl for the first time. I can remember feeling absolutely giddy about it. It felt right. I wanted her to be my best friend for life. I wanted to confess to her how people made fun of me, and it hurt my feelings. I wanted to share how happy I was that I actually won once in that appalling game that is dodge ball. I felt like I didn't fit in anywhere, but my friend made me feel like I fit in somewhere. Until she ignored me after our all night hand hold. I was confused...did I do something wrong? We're just friends, right?

It wasn't until I was fifteen, and watched Fast and Furious, the first one, (good god, did you know they're making another one? Ha!) that I knew I was a lesbian. That was the first time I fantasized about a woman, namely, Michelle Rodriguez. My fantasy you ask? Goodness, you're nosy, but I'll tell you. I fantasized that I was being mugged, she raced up in her bad ass car, beat the mugger up and then held me. She took me to her car, and held my hand on the way to wherever. That's it, my first lesbian fantasy. After said fantasy, I lived in absolute terror that anyone would find out. I'd been going to church since I was an infant. I was taught that being gay was next to murder in the sin hierarchy (this hierarchy doesn't actually exist, by the way). Fast forward some. I finally embraced myself as queer in college. It was so freeing! I finally loved myself! My whole self! But, it was then that my Christian friends seemed to think I was back in the "that poor sinner" pool of people they needed to save. Here is where I will take a break from story land. Exactly ten seconds ago, I just told you that I felt free because I embraced myself. Now, Christians are telling me that with enough Jesus and prayer, I can be saved from my sinful lifestyle. Either that, or they will think they're making me feel better by saying: "I mean, all sin is the same. I sin all the time! So I don't see the big deal about it." Meh. They both suck, to be honest. And I have to ask you, what exactly is so sinful about my lifestyle? No no, do not recite to me what Paul—or some unknown man way WAY back in the Old Testament—said in the patriarchial; man canonized Bible. (Did you know there's a Gospel of Mary that wasn't canonized into the Holy Bible? No?) Anyway, you tell me, in your own words, what is "sinful" about my longing to find the woman of my dreams, love her, hold hands with her, and live life with her? What's so sinful about sharing our goals, a home, and just struggling through life together—so we don't have to do it alone? Don't say it's just unnatural. We can't "naturally" make babies? I mean, come on, did you know that the number one pollutant right now is overpopulation?! If you're going to say that, I could easily say that we're helping the earth by being safely out and proud. And adopting. (We can actually make our babies with science now, but I don't want to digress too much...) So tell me, what is so sinful about my being a lesbian?

...

Whatever happened to love your neighbor as yourself? Do not translate this to: judge your neighbor by your own standards. Please stop doing that. It hurts, and makes me angry, and so so sad. It also makes me feel more alone than ever. I don't mean to, but then I put up a curtain between us—or even a wall. This makes love harder to be felt or given.
The Bible is hard for me to read now. I've been beaten by its words for too long. I miss it's comfort, and the comfort of church. But it's hard now. I have to ask every church if they'll accept me — a lesbian. Most will accept me as a visitor, but not as a member. Because of an essential part of my nature, I am not allowed to go any deeper than the outer circle of a minimal acceptance. Can you not see how painful this is? I'm tired of being segregated in that way.

Sigh, I hope you can understand a little better why it's hard for me to claim Christianity, and go to church. I'm tired of being told that how I love is sinful. I'm sick of hearing that I'm somehow broken and need to be saved. I'm growing and learning just as everyone else is. It may be differently than you are. And you know what? That's totally OK. 

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