For this next story, I must provide a Backdrop to frame its content. I tried to write one without it, and it was a dry as a desert and as deep as a puddle. This Backdrop is a glimpse into the deepest parts of my teenage soul, welcome. My Backdrop includes two very important circumstances to my high school Bible Evolution Story: 1: The first time I knew I was gay (I couldn't even say the word Lesbian about myself until two years after I came out), and 2: My biggest emotional struggle in high school. Surprisingly, these are not the same thing. I didn't fight head on with my "struggle of homosexuality" until college. So, with that said, welcome to my teenage soul, I am honored you are here.
Layer 1: The Fast and the Furious: The first and BEST movie of this overdone series
Layer 2: My 2nd Biggest Secret
Layer 1: It was a beautiful summer evening in west North Carolina. My sister and I were staying the night at our cousins' house. I was 15 years old. After a lovely day of swimming in our cousins' pool, and a wonderful dinner, we were ready to get into our jammies and watch a movie. We grabbed blankets and made a comfy theater in their living room. The movie that was chosen was The Fast and the Furious. I was pretty bored until the scene where Van Diesel's girlfriend, Michelle Rodriguez, was introduced. I was captivated by her character. She was tough, confident, and sassy. Anytime she came on the screen I got butterflies in my stomach. This feelings was new to me because it wasn't the same as the usual feeling of wanting to BE the character, I wanted to BE WITH the character. I didn't know exactly what I wanted, but I just wanted to be around her. After the movie, we all went to sleep in the living room and I imagined walking down a deserted urban street in the middle of the night. I next imagined someone trying to mug me, but hark! Who is that driving toward us in a souped up sports car to save the day? None other than Michelle Rodriguez! She tears out of the car, beats the mugger up, and ushers me into the car where we drive into the night holding hands. That's it! That was the first time I knew I was gay....and it scared me more than anything.
Layer 2: This one is a little more touchy but here we go. When I was 8 years old, I was sexually abused by my stepfather. It only happened once and I had no idea what to even call it until I told...and by told I mean stumbled over words while the youth leader I confided in helped me with such vocabulary...what happened to me. The unveiling of this to myself and someone else shattered my heart. A flood of negative feelings invaded my now exposed soul and it would take me five years to sort through those feelings, and find forgiveness, hope, and a sense of self. My youth group and the youth leaders kept pointing me back to God and the Bible when I lost myself in my pain. Therefore the Bible was a life vest during this time as well as a love letter from God to remind me I was valuable, loved, and never alone despite the pain and violation I felt while navigating the sea of restoration.
With this backdrop in place, I will tell my tale of how the Bible evolved for me in high school, as the duality of the fear shadow and faithful servant strengthened simultaneously.
Thank you for telling your story. It is very important for all of us to hear!
ReplyDeleteI know that has to be hard to see in print - especially the second layer. I would love to hear how the youth leaders utilized the Bible for you instead of against you. That is certainly an important factor in your story.
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much for all of your support. :)
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